ORIGINAL EMAIL FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR
Sooooooooo I have an interesting African story to tell you:
Last night I proceeded to get drunk (big surprise) so I was feeling pretty spry and decided to go downstairs to the main bar and see what kind of trouble I could get into. As my boss and I were walking to a table I saw a very attractive Ethiopian woman (insert your own joke here). I sent a drink over to her table as she was alone and figured what the hell I'm Rich Bitch (comparatively).
She came over after a while and was talking to us telling me how she was finishing her album and was about to go back on tour. The main bar closed and we then went to the lounge in the hotel for one more drink. The night took an interesting turn when she informed me that she wanted me to give her a baby. I thought that was pretty sweet and informed her that I would oblige. She was going on and on about how she wanted to come to the US and "give me baby". My boss left and she asked if I wanted to go to a shesha place. In my current state I thought whats the worst that could happen? We took a cab out of the compound (yes there are armed guards and twenty foot stone walls) and proceeded down some strange back alleys.
Finally we arrived and went into a private room and started with the shesha. After about 10 minutes of her rambling and hogging the shesha she found it necessary to lick my face and make out with me. I was in! Little did I know, or I didn't put all the pieces together (her high-fiving all the workers, the cab, and all employees at the Hilton), that she then informed me how poor she was and wanted money for "giving her baby". This is where it gets interesting...We went back to my room and I was still deciding wether or not to go through with it. As I am getting comfortable she orders room service and then puts on some of my clothes (her boobies were a bit saggy). She tried to make out with me reminding me of her poverty when I made the decision to tell her that I was not going to give her baby nor marry her. She was quite angry and asked if she should go. I told her to do what she wanted. She then got into bed and proceeded to fall asleep.
My next move was to take all electronics, passports, money, etc and put them in the in room safe. I couldn't fit my laptop so I hid it. I laid 300 Birr on her purse ($30 USD) and went to sleep around 5 am. Much to my chagrin that bitch wakes me up demanding more money now telling me about her love for Jesus and how poor she is. I am fucking tired and not really interested in dealing with her anymore. She told me I wasted her time and I reminded her that all she did was lick my face and tried to give me an over the pants foot-job (awful by the way). I went back to my safe and gave her an extra 200 Birr and told her to give me my clothes back. I went to the door opened it and waited for that skank to leave. When I woke up I found my room key missing and assumed that she was going to come back with some sort of angry African pimp so I went downstairs and asked the front desk to change the lock and quickly. I am hoping the whore doesn't come back to the bar tonight as there are quite a number of English and South African women who are in for some sort of banking conference. The sad thing is that I didn't realize she was a hooker until she actually asked for money. I should have seen that one a mile away. I think she only wanted 1500 Birr for "a baby" which is pretty good considering my last experience. I have a picture of her on my digital camera which I will share when I get back. I have now been propositioned on every continent I visited. Awesome.
Discuss where I went wrong.
- XXXX "Jungle Fever" XxXXXXXX
Here is the OFFICIAL ETHIOPIAN HOOKER. I noticed the stain on the sheets. My guess is that it's actually food, but I magnified it 5X so people could analyze. My feelings on the situation? The Road Warrior saw the opportunity to use his penis and common sense deserted him. However, after enough of "the runaround", he came to his senses and considered the monetary implications of his actions. The Road Warrior opted for damage control at an appropriate time and even had the foresight to avoid an African pimp. I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same...
RESPONSE #1 - THE BROTHER
Where did you go wrong....Hmmmm....where do I begin
1. you were drunk
2. YOu thought you could get laid in Ethiopia
3. YOu didn't recognize a hooker (I figured you'd have seen that coming a mile away)
4. You're [name removed]
RESPONSE #2 - CONCERNED FRIEND
As your brother mentioned, you made a number of mistakes. Please find more information below.
1). You believed her concert tour story, just like I believe every stripper really IS going to school and not using the money to buy coke and abortions.
2). You assumed an attractive Ethiopian woman was interested in you. Not that you're not man pretty, but in a country like that you have to use your assets to eat.
3). You asked what the worst tha could happen. In summation, AIDS! And over there they don't have Magic Johnson AIDS, they've got legit John Holmes AIDS. That's worse than death.
4). Although Charlie Sheen says he doesn't pay for sex, he pays them to leave in the morning, I feel like you were / are a sucker for droppin a Grant to have your clothes smell like Ethiopian and feverishly masturbate to a potential halfie baby making session, where the best you could hope for would be to name your child Chris.
That is not all, but sufficient for now. No homo.
RESPONSE #3 - CONCERNED FRIEND
1. Once you found out she was a hooker you didn't kick her out fast enough. No matter the continent, hookers do not have souls.
2. Saggy titties are for poor people. I met Lane's girlfriend today. She has sweet rockin' tits despite also having a 3 year old. AMERICA BITCH! (At this point I'd like to clarify that yes I am emailing drunk)
3. I'm pretty sure even I told you not to let your chubby weiner out of your sight (usually not a problem during sex) when you were in Africa, but apparently you have no use for the one good piece of advice I will ever give you. Despite his blinding whiteness, [name removed] is right about the aids thing. I'd consider supergluing a condom onto your member (and over your ass?) for the rest of the trip.
4. At least the exchange rate is in your favor, so unlike your European hooker story at least this one did not cost you very much.
5. If you ever name your kid Chris, you are officially my bitch for life. Or Duncan's. In which case ... moral victory.
PS. Yes, the xbox is still broken.
