Wednesday @ Ashlee Simpson's Par-tay
After unpacking boxes for a few hours, I felt tired and needed to eat. That process was delayed as my co-worker Kaki (coolest person that I know) invited me to dine with her friends in Scottsdale. We ended up going to a place called Sapporo with her friend Jase and his buddies. The best description of that place is "Benihana on steroids". After a few rounds of awesome food, Jase asked us if we wanted to "get a few drinks". Translation: we ended up going to the Ashlee Simpson event at Myst in Scottsdale. Yes, it is extremely ridiculous that I was along for that ride. Who the fuck am I?
We stood outside for less than 10 minutes and I had Deanna Brooks hanging onto me (using me for my body heat), so the normal "hip spot" runaround was a little more enjoyable. Once we were wristbanded and inside the venue, we went to the upstairs bar. I wasn't too impressed by the event itself, but it did end up being more entertaining than I thought.
It was your typical upscale Super Bowl party with older, well-dressed men scanning the room for girls that averaged about 20 years old and were wearing as little as possible (it was FREEZING outside). I wasn't really feeling it and I was also stone-cold sober. Then I spotted the one celeb anchoring the upstairs part of the party. Terrell Owens was up there and flanked by a huge guy with scary beard, his posse, and two clearly underage girls. The saddest part was that when he moved, THE WHOLE section of party would move with him. Hilarious.
As he was going towards the private rooms, Deanna decided that she'd try to get him to come to our party. That never ended up happening (although it was just as successful as my attempts the next night -- more below). As we were standing around, I saw one of the biggest men on the face of the Earth. Jonathan Ogden was fucking hammered as he meandered past us. He must have been drinking since about 5PM since I'd guess that his drinking style and tolerance are similar to that of Andre the Giant. I thought he might eat shit as he walked past us and he needed to brace himself on the wall. He was so tall that his extended arm was right over Deanna's head (she's 5'3" 107 and he's 6'9" 345). I was afraid that he'd take down three or four regular people with him if he tipped over.
Ashlee Simpson also performed in the hour that we were there. She definitely was not lip-syncing, because it sounded like she had smoked about 300 cigarettes before grabbing the mic. The event sucked, but at least I left with a few good memories.
Thursday Night @ Madden Bowl 08
Our publisher couldn't make it to the Madden Bowl, so I ended up being his substitute. The Martini Ranch in Scottsdale had about 300 guys and 20 girls hanging out that night. Awesome. Trey Wingo (who happens to be blacklisted from Playboy events) was hosting what had to be one of the most boring events of all time. He introduced about eight big name players and brought them up on stage. It was so engaging that one of the players was TEXTING while he was standing up there.
My buddy and I detached ourselves from the main bar after a few effective rounds of drinking. We decided to go out back and see what Playboy Radio was doing. At that point, I decided that I should get myself a little more buzzed and try to get some NFL players to come to our event on Saturday. It's pretty standard for me to get drunk so I can talk to guys.
After some initial success, the drinking continued and I became quite bold. My first taste of victory was bringing Mario Williams over to the Playboy Radio area for an interview. It wasn't long until I was approaching the likes of Dontrelle Willis, Warrick Dunn, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Reggie Wayne, etc. Then, my friend pointed out one of my personal heroes... Roy Williams from Texas. I had no problem stepping up and giving him my pitch, but he wasn't very receptive. The result is one of the most hilarious videos that I've ever seen (will post as soon as I'm not using the horrible Marriott wireless).
Andrea Lowell of Playboy Radio (and Surreal Life) was my "co-host" for this shit show and I think that we produced an entertaining product. You'll notice that she encouraged me to continue my fruitless quest. A few highlights:
- Making a jerkoff motion after Roy brushes me off... and having him look RIGHT at me as I had my back to him
- Literally chasing him away from the party
- My emotional facial expressions
- My buddy/cameraman saying "It hurts!" about twenty times
As we left the event, Michael Irvin hijacked Andrea. Somehow, he figured out that I was trying to take an iPhone picture of him and said "no pictures!" about ten times. Andrea was able to remove herself from the situation just in time to catch up to us for the fucking $60 cab ride back to Phoenix. Friday (today) was a day of rest once we were done with work. I know... I'm a pussy. Tomorrow is the big day, so prepare yourself for that post. Once again... who the fuck am I?
