You Can Be Joyous; You Cannot Be A Jackass

Philadelphia fans are... intense. These are the people that threw batteries at JD Drew, tried to fight Tie Domi, and allegedly booed Santa Claus.

Trying to fight Tie Domi is never a good idea

So what was their response upon winning the World Series? Chaos. I understand getting wasted and wanting to break some stuff... but Pocono Record reported that there was even looting:

Police reported 76 arrests and several vandalized businesses; they are also examining photos and video of the crowds to identify and arrest additional offenders.

Who loots a luggage store in AMERICA? On Thursday Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter said, "You can be joyous; you cannot be a jackass ... That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted in the city of Philadelphia." I don't really know anything about Michael Nutter... but I like his style. This is probably one of my favorite quotes of all time. Here's the video (the quote is a little past halfway).

EDIT: Here's another video related to the Philly madness. I saw a clip like this on Maximum Exposure... and the guy broke both of his legs when he fell off of the

Willie Williams We Hardly Knew Ye

Willie Williams could out-blog me any day. Luckily, he's too busy playing football. DubDub was a promising linebacker from Florida who nearly went on to star at Miami. Now he plays at Union College in Kentucky. He did some bad things -- but nothing that hasn't gone down on a college campus before. I put him somewhere between Najeh Davenpoop and Laveraneus Coles/Peter Warrick. From Bruce Feldman:

A little Willie Williams update. The former all-everything linebacker recruit had a school-record 22 tackles for Union College (Ky.) in a 33-27 loss to Shorter College (Ga.) Thursday.

22 tackles? I don't care where you're playing -- that's insane domination. I've never seen a picture of Willie Williams, so I just picture LaVar Arrington at Penn State when I think of him. To read about the downfall of WW, check out this article from the New York Times. Below are some amazingly hilarious highlights from a journal Willie kept during the recruiting process.

This is not Willie Williams. He's probably this scary though.

Select Willie Williams quotes:

• ''Coach Bowden was cool,'' Mr. Williams said in his diary. ''But Ms. Bowden was the bomb.''
• There he was treated to a beauty pageant of sorts, which he called ''weird'' because ''there were some people talking about black history the whole time.'' He ate ''so many meatballs the people there started looking like meatballs,'' but he drew the line at eating alligator tails. ''I'm not the Crocodile Hunter,'' he said.
• 'When I saw he was driving the Escalade,'' Mr. Williams said in his diary, ''I was like, 'Dang, coach got some taste.' ''
• ''After going on these trips and living like King Tut,'' he said. ''I think business is something I want to get into.''

EDIT: My brother also sent this wonderful excerpt from the Willie Williams journals...

During the wait, several of the female hosts, nicknamed the "Tigerettes", offered him some of their spinach dip. "You know how it is, those girls are supposed to be there to cheer you up," Williams said. "But I told them, 'I ain't no animal, and I ain't going to eat no plant."

"But they kept pushing it toward me. It was disgusting. I told them, 'I'm from Miami. I don't eat that. You farm people are used to it, but not me.'"

I asked Coach Odell, 'Where we eating tonight?' Williams said. "He was like, 'The stadium' I thought he was playing. Then we ended up eating at the stadium again. I guess we spent all their money the night before."

Grant Garner has an awesome mullet

I'm watching the Texas-Oklahoma State game right now and couldn't help but notice Grant Garner's amazing mullet. This is the best picture that I could find:



My friend Sam says that he looks like Farva. I agree. I'm also going to assume that this is an ironic mullet... at least I hope it is.

Sarah Palin's Expensive Clothes are Ugly

How much do you spend on dope threads? Well, you'd spend more if you were a VP candidate... along the lines of 6 figures in a few months. This is absolutely nutty.

The Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 to clothe and accessorize vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her family since her surprise pick by John McCain in late August.

According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.

My one response: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! If you donated to the RNC, I'm sure you're happy that Palin will have a sick wardrobe when she goes back to obscurity (and I don't mean Alaska).

OCD Actual Conversations: My Friends Are Creeps

This conversation occurred a couple days ago with a friend who had gotten into a car accident. Earlier in that day, he had told me that advertising and marketing were evil and that anybody in that field of work was basically soulless. Then he t-boned some marketing student that ran a red light. But it gets entertaining when it starts to get a little bit creepy.

My friend decided to get in touch with the witness that vouched for him. He did it in an usually manner though. This is from a guy who refuses to use facebook because he think it's narcissistic and stalkerish. He adamantly denied any of it being skeezy though. I want you all to read this and vote in the poll below.



AnonymousAssholeFriend: A&M marketing major, ran a fucking red light and i t-boned his ass (who was also driving a mazda 6) and splattered my whole engine across the street
AnonymousAssholeFriend: luckily it was his fault, so I guess your marketing "fuck you in the ass" gods tried to send me a message
AnonymousAssholeFriend: nevertheless, fuck them, they didn't change my opinion and I fucking hate them even more
OfficialChrisDuncan: but doesn't that kid/insurance have to take care of it?
AnonymousAssholeFriend: yeah, but it's an insurance company so i'm probably going to get lowballed and not be able to buy as badass a car as that was
AnonymousAssholeFriend: the guy said he'd been drinking but since i'm a nice guy i didn't tell the popo that or else he would have been double fucked
OfficialChrisDuncan: nice dude... good karma
AnonymousAssholeFriend: just bought that shit a month and a half ago
AnonymousAssholeFriend: and get this... the girl who was a witness had her name and number on the police report i got tonight ... looked her up on myspace 18 and hot
OfficialChrisDuncan: you're a creep
AnonymousAssholeFriend: so i texted her and thanked her and we exchanged like 3 more messages
OfficialChrisDuncan: you're a huge creep
AnonymousAssholeFriend: and she was like "let me know if i can do anything else or hopefully i'll see you around on campus"
OfficialChrisDuncan: holy shit, you have a girlfriend now
AnonymousAssholeFriend: nah, unfortunately *****'s new ladyfriend is also his neighbor, so anything's hard to pull off at this point
AnonymousAssholeFriend: hey... all i did was text her thanks which i was going to do anyway before i saw she was pretty good looking
OfficialChrisDuncan: you are a creep... you know what's creepier than friending people you don't know that well on facebook?
AnonymousAssholeFriend: whatever, the dude wasn't going to say he ran the light
she did me a huge favor
OfficialChrisDuncan: taking their number from a police report, looking them up on MySpace, then combining thanking them with flirting with them
AnonymousAssholeFriend: haha, she didn't seem to mind
OfficialChrisDuncan: I didn't say she wasn't a stupid 18 year old... I said you were creepy
AnonymousAssholeFriend: listen, all i did was say "thanks for being my witness"
OfficialChrisDuncan: you probably put a smiley face in there or something
OfficialChrisDuncan: admit it
AnonymousAssholeFriend: haha, i actually did... with a wink
OfficialChrisDuncan: NO FUCKING WAY YOU CREEP
OfficialChrisDuncan: that's so hilarious
AnonymousAssholeFriend: just a "thanks for looking out" emoticon
OfficialChrisDuncan: I see, you were trying to speak the 18 year old lingo
AnonymousAssholeFriend: all i was doing was saying thanks... she didn't have to respond
AnonymousAssholeFriend: but she saw me last night and probably thought i was a sexy man so was encouraged to respond back
OfficialChrisDuncan: yeah, I guess she knew she was destined to be with a guy who drove a Mazda 6... and that night it was just fate
AnonymousAssholeFriend: man, i'm the least creepy dude around, i take offense to that
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahaha
AnonymousAssholeFriend: "got your number off the police report, just wanted to say thanks for being my witness ;-)
AnonymousAssholeFriend: wtf was that
AnonymousAssholeFriend: anyway, that's all i said.. i didn't ask her to get together even after she texted me back a couple more times
OfficialChrisDuncan: we'll let the internet be the judge of that

And this gem is a separate exchange that I had with another friends. My friends are impressively creepy.

AnonymousAssholeFriend: i love dillon texas
OfficialChrisDuncan: ?
AnonymousAssholeFriend: the little town in friday night lights
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahah
AnonymousAssholeFriend: NBD
AnonymousAssholeFriend: i could seriously jack off to like 4 or 5 girl characters in this show
OfficialChrisDuncan: congrats

OCDeez Alex "meets" Lauren Conrad

This is by far some of the ballsiest work ever with a FlipCam. Alex somehow managed to crash the VIP table with LC and Audrina. Kyle Boller was also at the table with them. Yes, that's Kyle Boller. Don't believe what the 14 year-old girl commenting on YouTube says... it's not LC's dad. I was working this party and I think I went up into this VIP area maybe once. Bravo, Alex.

FlipCam Skills 101

UNEDITED ETHIOPIAN HOOKER EMAIL

This gem comes to me from the continent of Africa. I originally received this email on my phone in Columbus a week or so ago. The responses that followed were equally hilarious. This is a long post, so try to maintain your attention span. To reward your diligence, there is a picture of the Official Ethiopian Hooker below. I've only edited out real names and formatted the emails somewhat.

ORIGINAL EMAIL FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR

Sooooooooo I have an interesting African story to tell you:

Last night I proceeded to get drunk (big surprise) so I was feeling pretty spry and decided to go downstairs to the main bar and see what kind of trouble I could get into. As my boss and I were walking to a table I saw a very attractive Ethiopian woman (insert your own joke here). I sent a drink over to her table as she was alone and figured what the hell I'm Rich Bitch (comparatively).

She came over after a while and was talking to us telling me how she was finishing her album and was about to go back on tour. The main bar closed and we then went to the lounge in the hotel for one more drink. The night took an interesting turn when she informed me that she wanted me to give her a baby. I thought that was pretty sweet and informed her that I would oblige. She was going on and on about how she wanted to come to the US and "give me baby". My boss left and she asked if I wanted to go to a shesha place. In my current state I thought whats the worst that could happen? We took a cab out of the compound (yes there are armed guards and twenty foot stone walls) and proceeded down some strange back alleys.

Finally we arrived and went into a private room and started with the shesha. After about 10 minutes of her rambling and hogging the shesha she found it necessary to lick my face and make out with me. I was in! Little did I know, or I didn't put all the pieces together (her high-fiving all the workers, the cab, and all employees at the Hilton), that she then informed me how poor she was and wanted money for "giving her baby". This is where it gets interesting...We went back to my room and I was still deciding wether or not to go through with it. As I am getting comfortable she orders room service and then puts on some of my clothes (her boobies were a bit saggy). She tried to make out with me reminding me of her poverty when I made the decision to tell her that I was not going to give her baby nor marry her. She was quite angry and asked if she should go. I told her to do what she wanted. She then got into bed and proceeded to fall asleep.

My next move was to take all electronics, passports, money, etc and put them in the in room safe. I couldn't fit my laptop so I hid it. I laid 300 Birr on her purse ($30 USD) and went to sleep around 5 am. Much to my chagrin that bitch wakes me up demanding more money now telling me about her love for Jesus and how poor she is. I am fucking tired and not really interested in dealing with her anymore. She told me I wasted her time and I reminded her that all she did was lick my face and tried to give me an over the pants foot-job (awful by the way). I went back to my safe and gave her an extra 200 Birr and told her to give me my clothes back. I went to the door opened it and waited for that skank to leave. When I woke up I found my room key missing and assumed that she was going to come back with some sort of angry African pimp so I went downstairs and asked the front desk to change the lock and quickly. I am hoping the whore doesn't come back to the bar tonight as there are quite a number of English and South African women who are in for some sort of banking conference. The sad thing is that I didn't realize she was a hooker until she actually asked for money. I should have seen that one a mile away. I think she only wanted 1500 Birr for "a baby" which is pretty good considering my last experience. I have a picture of her on my digital camera which I will share when I get back. I have now been propositioned on every continent I visited. Awesome.

Discuss where I went wrong.

- XXXX "Jungle Fever" XxXXXXXX

Here is the OFFICIAL ETHIOPIAN HOOKER. I noticed the stain on the sheets. My guess is that it's actually food, but I magnified it 5X so people could analyze. My feelings on the situation? The Road Warrior saw the opportunity to use his penis and common sense deserted him. However, after enough of "the runaround", he came to his senses and considered the monetary implications of his actions. The Road Warrior opted for damage control at an appropriate time and even had the foresight to avoid an African pimp. I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same...

The Road Warrior's Special Lady (of the Night)
RESPONSE #1 - THE BROTHER

Where did you go wrong....Hmmmm....where do I begin

1. you were drunk
2. YOu thought you could get laid in Ethiopia
3. YOu didn't recognize a hooker (I figured you'd have seen that coming a mile away)
4. You're [name removed]

RESPONSE #2 - CONCERNED FRIEND

As your brother mentioned, you made a number of mistakes. Please find more information below.

1). You believed her concert tour story, just like I believe every stripper really IS going to school and not using the money to buy coke and abortions.

2). You assumed an attractive Ethiopian woman was interested in you. Not that you're not man pretty, but in a country like that you have to use your assets to eat.

3). You asked what the worst tha could happen. In summation, AIDS! And over there they don't have Magic Johnson AIDS, they've got legit John Holmes AIDS. That's worse than death.

4). Although Charlie Sheen says he doesn't pay for sex, he pays them to leave in the morning, I feel like you were / are a sucker for droppin a Grant to have your clothes smell like Ethiopian and feverishly masturbate to a potential halfie baby making session, where the best you could hope for would be to name your child Chris.

That is not all, but sufficient for now. No homo.

RESPONSE #3 - CONCERNED FRIEND

1. Once you found out she was a hooker you didn't kick her out fast enough. No matter the continent, hookers do not have souls.

2. Saggy titties are for poor people. I met Lane's girlfriend today. She has sweet rockin' tits despite also having a 3 year old. AMERICA BITCH! (At this point I'd like to clarify that yes I am emailing drunk)

3. I'm pretty sure even I told you not to let your chubby weiner out of your sight (usually not a problem during sex) when you were in Africa, but apparently you have no use for the one good piece of advice I will ever give you. Despite his blinding whiteness, [name removed] is right about the aids thing. I'd consider supergluing a condom onto your member (and over your ass?) for the rest of the trip.

4. At least the exchange rate is in your favor, so unlike your European hooker story at least this one did not cost you very much.

5. If you ever name your kid Chris, you are officially my bitch for life. Or Duncan's. In which case ... moral victory.

PS. Yes, the xbox is still broken.

Da Fest 2008

We go to CollegeFest in Boston every year and it's one of my favorite events. It's one of the few times that I get to "give back to the community". Typically 15,000+ students attend CollegeFest and most of them line up to get into our booth. It's really kind of insane -- some kids wait 2-3 hours just to get in. We headed to Boston on a Thursday for an event at The Greatest Bar then CollegeFest was on Saturday and Sunday. The Playboy girls that had the (dis)pleasure of working with me were: Miss October 2008 Kelly Carrington, Cyber Girl Amanda Corey, Cyber Girl Jo Garcia, and Miss Playboy Mobile Amber J. From Boston, I had booked Cyber Girl Brittany Sylvanowicz and Special Edition Model Lauren D'Marie that had worked a previous TNT event with me. Later, I would also meet The Playboy Energy Girls.

THURSDAY @ THE GREATEST BAR

"The Greatest Bar" is OK but certainly not great. It was supposed to be a Playboy Energy Party and we were just tagging along ... with our two bands that were set to play and a video crew. Our bands were running late (since they were driving in that day) but were able to finish the sound check before 9. When 9PM (the supposed start time of this party) rolled around, the Playboy Energy Bus was still AWOL. They arrived before I had a heart attack and it was quite a sight. The girls had on heels, high socks, short black skirts, and wifebeaters. Aside from the one Asian girl, they all had bleached blonde hair. They pretty much stayed in their corner all night when they weren't throwing shirts from the bar. It was an exclusive area in the most uncool way -- the bar wasn't exactly packed. The first band, Illinois, got an interesting reception. They're a badass indie rock band who include a steel guitar and banjo in the performance. I enjoyed it but the crowd wasn't exactly "getting down" ... and then they literally blew a fuse. Luckily, the (ripoff) sound guy repaired it before we scrapped the remaining performances. The White Tie Affair gave another outstanding performance that included the lead singer Chris standing on the bar. It probably had something to do with the lunchboxes that the Greatest Bar bartenders were throwing at the band. It was a strange mix of stalker-teen White Tie fans, bleach blonde models, old men, and Playboy staff -- but it was a good time.

FRIDAY - SET UP DAY

The day before CollegeFest is a beeyotch. You get to a booth that you've dropped $15K on and it looks like garbage. After the initial panic subsided, we started to put our "Playboy Lounge" together and it looked great. It was more relieving when the union guys brought our 5000 pound shipment from the receiving area. We were no longer screwed and the outlook was good. We finished in time for a reasonable dinner time.

I went to a place called Rock Bottom with Neal (who runs a sub par blog called Real Cinch) and James. They're both pencil-pushing proposal writers... that's right, you heard me... blog about it. Neal pussed out, so James and I went to Revolution Rock Bar to catch up with the Playboy Energy Bus.

If I could fight the Energy Bus, I would
There was a line outside, but we got out of the cab and just said we were with Playboy and showed our business cards. I know, I sound like a douche, but I don't think I've ever done that before in "real life" (while sober). Inside, there was a similar Playboy Energy situation... this bar was packed and the hooker-ish crew was relegated in the corner. I hate going to "da club" if I'm not sitting at a table simply because it's unbearable (and hopefully I'm drinking for free if I'm sitting at a table). From my spot in the corner, I observed that the bar was at least 2/3 guys... lame. I tried striking up a conversation with one of the Playboy Energy girls out of sheer boredom. She went along with it for a while and then went ice cold. Little did she know that I was the one being charitable. After James and I had a couple beers, the camera crew went outside to film the inside of the Energy Bus. As soon as we stepped on, some David Beckham-wannabe that was somehow "in charge" of this tour told me that everybody needed to be quiet. Two seconds later, James and I were standing outside of the bus. Nothing pisses me off more than some douchebag thinking he's important because he has 4 promo models behind him. What a prick.

SATURDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY ONE

The first day of CollegeFest started out smoothly. The Playboy Energy Girls (one security guard called them the "Swedish Basketball Team") showed up a little bit after noon and I wasn't prepared for our models' reaction. They were all pissed off that these girls had matching outfits and they didn't. I had considered the Energy outfits whore-ish, so this was surprising. I don't think they consider the fact that I dictate their attire for these events; they have foolishly opened Pandora's Box. Maybe I'll even make it an OCD poll next time.

My first question was: how much?
The drama didn't end there. Jo Garcia lost her iPhone during the event. I figured it was just James' sleazy way to get her number. But once he had her number in his phone and called it a few times, we still couldn't find it. She started freaking out, which was reasonable given the situation. Our discussion of "it sucks to lose a phone" suddenly turned when one girls conjectured that she had naked pictures of herself on the phone. I couldn't let that go and prodded her further:

OCD: What do you mean she probably had naked pictures of herself on there?
BUNNY: Well, a lot of the time girls in relationships have naked pictures on her phone.
OCD: Do you have naked pictures of yourself on your phone?
BUNNY: Yes.
OCD: More than 50?
BUNNY: Ha, no!
OCD: More than 10?
BUNNY: No
OCD: More than 3?
BUNNY: Yes
OCD: Awesome, I just have two dick pics on mine.

And then I stole her phone. Not really. I did make a "dick pic" comment though... I can't help myself. Other than the drama of the lost phone (and no matching prostitute costumes), the day was a success. Chamillionaire, who I like, performed the last show of the day ... and sucked. It was disappointing.

Don't worry -- they actually hate me
After dinner that night, we all met in the hotel bar to have a few drinks. In one of my conversations, I was told that Brody Jenner made $30K from a recent appearance in New York. I wish my job was to "make appearances". As you know, I've rolled up on these jokers before in Phoenix. It's actually pretty close between him and his stepsister Kim Kardashian. I've heard of her making around $10K, but I've also heard that she's been paid $50K for a Miami event. By comparison, you can book an Official Chris Duncan appearance for $1000 (and you can touch it for $2000).

Unfortunately, the night ended without me being able to successfully sleaze any of our girls. That's a joke. I keep it classy. We were staying at a nice hotel though, so I was trolling the bar for hookers (just kidding, Doug) at the same time. You can spot them a mile away: usually two relatively well-dressed but slutty looking girls scanning the bar back-to-back. I saw a couple of girls like this sitting at the end of the bar and pulled up next to them while ordering a drink. I don't remember exactly how our conversation started, but we established that they had just moved to Boston from New York. Then the closer girl asked me if I was gay because she said she was gay and could pick up on "gay signals". Awesome. That's how to NOT to land a John. I still think they were hookers... probably not.

SUNDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY TWO

An hour after the show started, Neal and I went to get lunch for the crew. Upon leaving the food court, I had three pizzas boxes in my arms and there was a slight drizzle but then something caught my eye. Some random adult man in the food court was wearing the most ridiculous shirt of all time. I've seen kids with Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse shirts and I assume they cost like $200, but this guy was wearing what looked to be a nylon Cookie Monster shirt.

This image is equal parts shameful, hilarious, and awesome
Soulja Boy had the final performance at CollegeFest. I wasn't really watching, but I was later told that he threw like $2000 in cash from the stage. At least he didn't try to pick it all up like Pacman Jones. On cue when the show closes, all of the Real World cast members try to sleaze on the Playboy girls. Last year, it was Alex from Denver and Evan from Real World/Road Rules. This year, Cohutta from Sydney made his way over to our booth. It's always hilarious to me when somebody semi-famous is kind of sneaking around trying to get in. Unfortunately, there's no booze at CollegeFest, so he wasn't in drunken rake-in-the-college-poon mode like fellow cast member Isaac last week in Columbus.

With CollegeFest behind me, there's a small period of rest on the horizon. I will have to be well rested when I start growing my mustache for Movember next month.