OCD Weekend Edition: I Can't Feel My Face!

In case you were wondering what athletes waving a hand in front of their face was all about... it was popularized by DeShawn Stevenson on the Wizards who saw Tony Yayo do it (at about :30) who says 50 Cent's son Marques actually made it up. This is "I can't feel my face" whereas John Cena says "you can't see me". Now you know.

DeShawn Stevenson can't feel his face!

• Prince William is starting to look old.
• Sex and the City II is coming. That was quick.
• Lost is back Wednesday January 21st.
• The World Series of Poker is on a 117 day hiatus so ESPN can air the final two players going heads up for the bracelet on Monday. But it won't be live, it'll be "same-day" coverage. Huh?
• McCain will be on Leno Tuesday. McCain and Palin... The Morning After
• Is Oprah pulling the plug in 2011?
• 30 seconds commercials during the upcoming Oscars cost about $1.6 million.
• Anybody want to guess what's going on here? My two theories: election party or that weird dude is a male prostitute.
• Stephon Marbury: "One day I might be able to buy the Knicks." If they keep paying him $22 million to do nothing, he might be right.
• Apple now the #2 provider of smartphones worldwide behind Nokia.
• UPDATE: Obamas will not get dog until Spring. Big news. Also, Willie Williams would respect Obama's taste in rides.

Richard Pryor is the first black President

OCD Late Edition: Hayden Panettiere Shows Some Skin

She's all grown up and apparently choosing some pretty racy outfits. Is this what all girls wear to Madonna concerts? The Heroes star wore this jacket and pants combo to Dodger Stadium earlier this week. Nice pants.

• Hayden Panettierre dresses like a floozy. Awesome.
  
• Don't feel so bad about '04, Eminem. Voter turnout was the same this year as it was four years ago.
• HBO to produce Barack Obama documentary. Greta Van Susteren granted first post-election Palin interview.
• Testosterone makes women want to bone... and possibly gives them breast cancer.
• Bullies experience schadenfreude. Thanks for confirming the obvious, science!
• More boys are being born with genital defects, learning disabilities, autism and Tourette's syndrome. Don't worry -- my sperm is fine, ladies.
• It sucks when your kid looks like a dog. (Thanks, Eugene)
• THE MUSTACHE IS IN... Brad Pitt is rocking a 'stache.
• This "purple stuff" is called Drank.
• This is old... but it's still worth looking at Katy Perry's breasts.

OCD Eff the AM: Kurt Warner, Oprah, and Maradona

Sure, I had a team named "Kurt Warner = Donkey Feces" when I picked him in the first round a few years ago... but I like the guy. I just think it's funny that his "story" is no longer "from grocery check out line to NFL QB" ... it's "washed up QB that fumbled every snap is now good again". Keep in mind... he already has two NFL MVPs and one Super Bowl MVP. Also, the Maradona quotes are worth reading.

Maradona <3 Cocaine

• Who was that guy in front of Oprah? The answer is Sam Perry.
• Michelle Obama to appear on Vogue's March cover... maybe.
• Kurt Warner is the clear MVP. (Thanks, John)
• YouTube to add full length movies?
• ABC to add 2 NYPD shows... in addition to Life on Mars. One is about a horror writer who helps police solve crimes. Really?
• RAC remix of The Black Ghosts - Repetition Kills You. I am a HUGE fan of The Black Ghosts. Frontman Simon Lord is the former vocalist for Simian.
• Smokin' Aces prequel is in the works. Why?
• Maradona has some awesome quotes (at the bottom). (Thanks, Danny)

OCD Eff the AM: Stallone seeks a Razzie

Sylvester Stallone is gunning for his second Worst Actor of the Century Razzie. His new movie sounds like it could be one of the worst movie of all time. The Expendables was written and will be directed by Stallone. He will star in the movie alongside Jason Statham while they are in negotiations with Jet Li. Maybe they can try to sign DMX or a Wayans brother while they're at it.

• The Expendables will start filming in February. Is Jason Statham done with the whole "career" thing?
• How awesome is Google? You can use Google Audio Indexing to search for words in videos. Right now, it only searches videos with politicians. Somewhat entertaining: My Friends, Joe the Plumber, and Yes We Can
  
• Android is jailbroken already...
• Murdoch: WSJ.com makes around $200 million split between ads and paid subscriptions. Impressive.
• Stalk people with 123people!
• It's mustache time. Check out 20 of the best celebrity 'staches. I'm growing a mustache for Movember. Donate to my mustache growing for Movember!
• Spain denies asylum for Bin Laden son.
• The genetic blueprint for cancer has been discovered
• Weed is now legal by prescription in Michigan and decriminalized in Massachusetts

Please donate to my awesome mustache. The money goes to the Prostate Cancer Foundation.

OCD Late Edition: Keyshawn, Obama Fashion, and The G Word

Keyshawn finally got a reality TV show, but it's certainly not what I expected. The man who brought you such comments as Ronde Barber "is an Uncle Tom" and Shannon Sharpe "looks like a horse" will star in a new reality series on A&E. No, it's not about his job as an NFL analyst (although it is a small part of the show). The show is about the Keyshawn starting his own interior design business. Is this supposed to appeal to men somehow? I'll give it a shot because I love horrible reality TV. I'm just going to hope that it's Keyshawn Johnson struggling to stay in the black and eventually failing while throwing out some inappropriate comments along the way. Just give me the damn decorations! I'll bet it gets a second season... any takers?

This was a previous instance where Keyshawn shamed himself

• Keyshawn Johnson will have an interior design show on A&E.
• Newsweek says that both Obama and McCain were hacked by a "foreign entity" (read: China or Russia). Also, Sarah Palin is a shop-a-holic. (Thanks, Paul)
• Print media is not dead! People actually lined up to buy newspapers... but only because Barack won.
• Nobody's happier than Maria Pinto and Narciso Rodriguez. Pinto's sales soared 45% after a Michelle Obama mention.
• Is the word "gay" a slur? The Simpsons doesn't think so.
• Russell Brand will play Jack Sparrow's brother. Is anybody else shocked by the demand for Brand's "work"? I think he's funny but...
• The King of the Hill saga continues. King of the Hill re-runs will be on Adult Swim. Just like Futurama and Family Guy... before they came back.

OCD Eff the AM: USA Chants, Katie Couric, and Holograms

I voted yesterday. It took me about 10 minutes and was directly on my walk from my apartment to the subway. My voting machine looked like it was made in the 1940's and it was quit confusing. Hopefully it counted! My friend told me that his polling place was the Old Fish Hatchery in San Marcos. The line took him 3 hours and apparently he drank beer in line (OCD does not advocate this). Below the links are three sweet "USA chant" videos. Cheers to democracy!

• Here's the transcript of Obama's Victory Speech.
  
• Katie Couric does not know her commercial references. Eveready Bunny? Huh?
• Last night, CNN had a correspondent in-studio VIA HOLOGRAM. The problem? My television isn't 3D.
  
• "Clearly, all of us can learn something from this guy." Thanks for the tip, Brad. This story is both disgusting and hilarious.
• The New Yorker releases their digital edition. Good thinking... butt not there yet.
  
• Hopefully nobody actually fell for this. "But college told me the election was moved to tomorrow!"
• If you didn't know, my former roommate Alex coined the nickname MexiKen for Mario Lopez.

Madison Halloween 2006 USA Chant
I like this one because it makes no sense

Hoyas USA chant outside White House
More genuine and awkward... every USA chant must come to an end with "woos"

blackhawks USA chant

I once started a rhythmic clap at an assembly in elementary school... still haven't topped that

OCD Late Edition: Death of the 'Net, Mac is Back, & Google Booze

It's too bad Anne Hathaway found a new man. I'll find a way to destroy him. If you don't get my Rick Sutcliffe reference, here's the conversation (via MSNBC):

The trio first talked about golf and actor Bill Murray, who was with Sutcliffe at the game. The conversation turned to Sutcliffe’s daughter, who, the pitcher said, has been accepted to Harvard Medical School.

That’s when Sutcliffe began to meander.

“She’s on her way to Africa tomorrow,” Sutcliffe said. “How about that? Over there on one of those missions, man. George Clooney — you been reading about all that, you been seeing that?”

To which Vasgersian responded with surprise: “George Clooney?”

“Yeah, he’s up there with the Congress, he’s trying to get everybody to go over there and solve that thing.”

Sutcliffe then said: “I’m getting yelled at from Bill Murray in the back. I need to go. I’d much rather hang with you guys.”

Grant thanked Sutcliffe for joining them.

“Mud, you’re the best, man,” Sutcliffe replied. “Anybody on Earth that doesn’t like Mark Grant, they’ve got problems.”

Sutcliffe then asked Vasgersian, “Matty, what are you still doing here in San Diego?”

Vasgersian tried to steer the conversation to baseball, but Sutcliffe persisted.

“No, no, no, Matty — everybody on Earth has been trying to steal you — the Dodgers, the Cubs, ESPN. What are you still doing here?”

Sutcliffe’s microphone apparently was cut off then, because a voice in the background can be heard saying: “They turned it off.”

• Hey, Rick Sutcliffe, Matt Vasgersian finally got a real broadcasting deal with the MLB Network!
• AT&T adds a cap just like Comcast and Time Warner. Nice knowing you, the internet.
• Mac is Back (in a ridiculous YouTube video)! My favorite part is when he smokes a cigarette at like :40. Is this a joke?
• Anne Hathaway has a new boyfriend. Time for me to set him up for fraud charges!
• Hopefully Obama wins… or our political celebrities might leave us! Tim Robbins almost didn’t get to vote!
• Admit it… Heroes isn’t so hot anymore. Here’s how it could be better.
• Too bad the Presidential Election is only once every four years. Because it’s the only time SNL gets good ratings.
• King of the Hill might not be dead thanks to ABC
• Google is getting tipsy with beer ads

SIDE NOTE ON THE ELECTION: Why does CBS even attempt legitimate Election coverage? I was just watching thinking that it might be neutral but it was just unbearably bad. They lost audio for both of their remote interview subjects while I was watching. Viacom also owns Comedy Central. Just bite the bullet and put Jon Stewart on network television for a night. He'd get wayyyy better ratings. Plus, nobody even takes Katie Couric seriously...

Hot Girls Love MexiKen (Mario Lopez)

My friend (and Playboy Cyber Girl) Brittany Sylvanowicz recently attended the Halloween Party at the Playboy Mansion. I guess my invite got lost in the mail. In any case, the Mansion is probably a great place to see beautiful women and celebrities that are trying to get laid. One of these such guests was Mario Lopez, who we call MexiKen.

By the time this picture was taken, Mario Lopez had already had sex 42 times with 25 different women

Here's Brittany's account of the meeting:

i was walking through the playboy mansion and say mario lopez swarmed by a million girls, all wanting to take pictures with him. i started freaking out because i was so excited to see him. i never had a crush on him before that, so it was shocking to me that i was so excited. i asked mario if he would mind taking a picture with me, he said sure. after we took our picture i said "i seriously love you... like i just love you." he held my hand and said "awww thank you, what's your name?" with those gorgeous dimples of his. i told him my name and said "i seriously am in love with you." then more girls took pictures with him and that was it :(

Clearly, she's not a real MexiKen fan. She does not mention ABDC, Extra, "sex addiction", steroids, or A Chorus Line. I know how Mario feels though -- women are often shocked at how excited they are when they see me too. But instead of warmly acknowledging them, I usually try to lock in with some intense eye contact while I lick my lips. Then it's just a matter of beating them to the door when they try to run away. Done and done.

OCD Eff the AM: DVRs, Paris Hilton, and TV Sex

The first edition of Eff the AM is skewed towards entertainment news. All of them (minus the Bradley Effect) illustrate how America is concurrently awesome and ridiculous at the same time. I personally prefer Shelley from My New BFF.

• America has the most DVRs
• Simpsons receives its highest ratings in 5 seasons. "The fourth episode of the show's 20th season played to approximately 12.5 million viewers and was well-received by critics and fans."
• Familiarize yourself with the Bradley Effect. Hopefully, we'll never have to hear about it again after today.
• BFF on GGW? Corrie from Paris Hilton's My New BFF was on Girls Gone Wild.
• TV sex leads to real sex (and pregnancy). Who would've ever thought that being a good parent and controlling what your kids watch directly correlates with teen pregnancy?

OCD Late Edition: The Election, Heroes, and Bill O'Reilly

Unfortunately, this post is not about how The Election, Heroes, and Bill O'Reilly are related. That would be an amazing post though. The OCD Late Edition will be a new effort to post on a near-daily basis on this site. The common thread will be that there is no common thread -- except for it's all stuff that I care about.

• The Heroes Showrunners have been FIRED. This is a sign that NBC knows that the show is dragging ass lately. I told my friend John that I could see this show making a "graceful" transition to Sci-Fi after a couple more seasons. NBC Universal owns both NBC and Sci-Fi.
  
• Watch the Election (and know what you're talking about): Election Tools #1 and Election Tools #2
• Being a jackass has caught up to O'Reilly. Also, did you know that Bill O'Reilly uses a vibrator on himself? I feel the need to bring that up as much as possible.
• Joaquin Phoenix is going to retire from acting. Who knew that actors retired? My two initial theories are that he 1) will start a porno career or 2) he will go the way of Harry Connick Jr. and release a jazz CD.
• Boondock Saints will have a sequel
• Pepsi might have a new logo (in addition to a new marketing/PR scheme)

You Can Be Joyous; You Cannot Be A Jackass

Philadelphia fans are... intense. These are the people that threw batteries at JD Drew, tried to fight Tie Domi, and allegedly booed Santa Claus.

Trying to fight Tie Domi is never a good idea

So what was their response upon winning the World Series? Chaos. I understand getting wasted and wanting to break some stuff... but Pocono Record reported that there was even looting:

Police reported 76 arrests and several vandalized businesses; they are also examining photos and video of the crowds to identify and arrest additional offenders.

Who loots a luggage store in AMERICA? On Thursday Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter said, "You can be joyous; you cannot be a jackass ... That kind of idiotic, destructive behavior will not be accepted in the city of Philadelphia." I don't really know anything about Michael Nutter... but I like his style. This is probably one of my favorite quotes of all time. Here's the video (the quote is a little past halfway).

EDIT: Here's another video related to the Philly madness. I saw a clip like this on Maximum Exposure... and the guy broke both of his legs when he fell off of the

Willie Williams We Hardly Knew Ye

Willie Williams could out-blog me any day. Luckily, he's too busy playing football. DubDub was a promising linebacker from Florida who nearly went on to star at Miami. Now he plays at Union College in Kentucky. He did some bad things -- but nothing that hasn't gone down on a college campus before. I put him somewhere between Najeh Davenpoop and Laveraneus Coles/Peter Warrick. From Bruce Feldman:

A little Willie Williams update. The former all-everything linebacker recruit had a school-record 22 tackles for Union College (Ky.) in a 33-27 loss to Shorter College (Ga.) Thursday.

22 tackles? I don't care where you're playing -- that's insane domination. I've never seen a picture of Willie Williams, so I just picture LaVar Arrington at Penn State when I think of him. To read about the downfall of WW, check out this article from the New York Times. Below are some amazingly hilarious highlights from a journal Willie kept during the recruiting process.

This is not Willie Williams. He's probably this scary though.

Select Willie Williams quotes:

• ''Coach Bowden was cool,'' Mr. Williams said in his diary. ''But Ms. Bowden was the bomb.''
• There he was treated to a beauty pageant of sorts, which he called ''weird'' because ''there were some people talking about black history the whole time.'' He ate ''so many meatballs the people there started looking like meatballs,'' but he drew the line at eating alligator tails. ''I'm not the Crocodile Hunter,'' he said.
• 'When I saw he was driving the Escalade,'' Mr. Williams said in his diary, ''I was like, 'Dang, coach got some taste.' ''
• ''After going on these trips and living like King Tut,'' he said. ''I think business is something I want to get into.''

EDIT: My brother also sent this wonderful excerpt from the Willie Williams journals...

During the wait, several of the female hosts, nicknamed the "Tigerettes", offered him some of their spinach dip. "You know how it is, those girls are supposed to be there to cheer you up," Williams said. "But I told them, 'I ain't no animal, and I ain't going to eat no plant."

"But they kept pushing it toward me. It was disgusting. I told them, 'I'm from Miami. I don't eat that. You farm people are used to it, but not me.'"

I asked Coach Odell, 'Where we eating tonight?' Williams said. "He was like, 'The stadium' I thought he was playing. Then we ended up eating at the stadium again. I guess we spent all their money the night before."

Grant Garner has an awesome mullet

I'm watching the Texas-Oklahoma State game right now and couldn't help but notice Grant Garner's amazing mullet. This is the best picture that I could find:



My friend Sam says that he looks like Farva. I agree. I'm also going to assume that this is an ironic mullet... at least I hope it is.

Sarah Palin's Expensive Clothes are Ugly

How much do you spend on dope threads? Well, you'd spend more if you were a VP candidate... along the lines of 6 figures in a few months. This is absolutely nutty.

The Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 to clothe and accessorize vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her family since her surprise pick by John McCain in late August.

According to financial disclosure records, the accessorizing began in early September and included bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in St. Louis and New York for a combined $49,425.74.

My one response: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH! If you donated to the RNC, I'm sure you're happy that Palin will have a sick wardrobe when she goes back to obscurity (and I don't mean Alaska).

OCD Actual Conversations: My Friends Are Creeps

This conversation occurred a couple days ago with a friend who had gotten into a car accident. Earlier in that day, he had told me that advertising and marketing were evil and that anybody in that field of work was basically soulless. Then he t-boned some marketing student that ran a red light. But it gets entertaining when it starts to get a little bit creepy.

My friend decided to get in touch with the witness that vouched for him. He did it in an usually manner though. This is from a guy who refuses to use facebook because he think it's narcissistic and stalkerish. He adamantly denied any of it being skeezy though. I want you all to read this and vote in the poll below.



AnonymousAssholeFriend: A&M marketing major, ran a fucking red light and i t-boned his ass (who was also driving a mazda 6) and splattered my whole engine across the street
AnonymousAssholeFriend: luckily it was his fault, so I guess your marketing "fuck you in the ass" gods tried to send me a message
AnonymousAssholeFriend: nevertheless, fuck them, they didn't change my opinion and I fucking hate them even more
OfficialChrisDuncan: but doesn't that kid/insurance have to take care of it?
AnonymousAssholeFriend: yeah, but it's an insurance company so i'm probably going to get lowballed and not be able to buy as badass a car as that was
AnonymousAssholeFriend: the guy said he'd been drinking but since i'm a nice guy i didn't tell the popo that or else he would have been double fucked
OfficialChrisDuncan: nice dude... good karma
AnonymousAssholeFriend: just bought that shit a month and a half ago
AnonymousAssholeFriend: and get this... the girl who was a witness had her name and number on the police report i got tonight ... looked her up on myspace 18 and hot
OfficialChrisDuncan: you're a creep
AnonymousAssholeFriend: so i texted her and thanked her and we exchanged like 3 more messages
OfficialChrisDuncan: you're a huge creep
AnonymousAssholeFriend: and she was like "let me know if i can do anything else or hopefully i'll see you around on campus"
OfficialChrisDuncan: holy shit, you have a girlfriend now
AnonymousAssholeFriend: nah, unfortunately *****'s new ladyfriend is also his neighbor, so anything's hard to pull off at this point
AnonymousAssholeFriend: hey... all i did was text her thanks which i was going to do anyway before i saw she was pretty good looking
OfficialChrisDuncan: you are a creep... you know what's creepier than friending people you don't know that well on facebook?
AnonymousAssholeFriend: whatever, the dude wasn't going to say he ran the light
she did me a huge favor
OfficialChrisDuncan: taking their number from a police report, looking them up on MySpace, then combining thanking them with flirting with them
AnonymousAssholeFriend: haha, she didn't seem to mind
OfficialChrisDuncan: I didn't say she wasn't a stupid 18 year old... I said you were creepy
AnonymousAssholeFriend: listen, all i did was say "thanks for being my witness"
OfficialChrisDuncan: you probably put a smiley face in there or something
OfficialChrisDuncan: admit it
AnonymousAssholeFriend: haha, i actually did... with a wink
OfficialChrisDuncan: NO FUCKING WAY YOU CREEP
OfficialChrisDuncan: that's so hilarious
AnonymousAssholeFriend: just a "thanks for looking out" emoticon
OfficialChrisDuncan: I see, you were trying to speak the 18 year old lingo
AnonymousAssholeFriend: all i was doing was saying thanks... she didn't have to respond
AnonymousAssholeFriend: but she saw me last night and probably thought i was a sexy man so was encouraged to respond back
OfficialChrisDuncan: yeah, I guess she knew she was destined to be with a guy who drove a Mazda 6... and that night it was just fate
AnonymousAssholeFriend: man, i'm the least creepy dude around, i take offense to that
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahaha
AnonymousAssholeFriend: "got your number off the police report, just wanted to say thanks for being my witness ;-)
AnonymousAssholeFriend: wtf was that
AnonymousAssholeFriend: anyway, that's all i said.. i didn't ask her to get together even after she texted me back a couple more times
OfficialChrisDuncan: we'll let the internet be the judge of that

And this gem is a separate exchange that I had with another friends. My friends are impressively creepy.

AnonymousAssholeFriend: i love dillon texas
OfficialChrisDuncan: ?
AnonymousAssholeFriend: the little town in friday night lights
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahah
AnonymousAssholeFriend: NBD
AnonymousAssholeFriend: i could seriously jack off to like 4 or 5 girl characters in this show
OfficialChrisDuncan: congrats

OCDeez Alex "meets" Lauren Conrad

This is by far some of the ballsiest work ever with a FlipCam. Alex somehow managed to crash the VIP table with LC and Audrina. Kyle Boller was also at the table with them. Yes, that's Kyle Boller. Don't believe what the 14 year-old girl commenting on YouTube says... it's not LC's dad. I was working this party and I think I went up into this VIP area maybe once. Bravo, Alex.

FlipCam Skills 101

UNEDITED ETHIOPIAN HOOKER EMAIL

This gem comes to me from the continent of Africa. I originally received this email on my phone in Columbus a week or so ago. The responses that followed were equally hilarious. This is a long post, so try to maintain your attention span. To reward your diligence, there is a picture of the Official Ethiopian Hooker below. I've only edited out real names and formatted the emails somewhat.

ORIGINAL EMAIL FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR

Sooooooooo I have an interesting African story to tell you:

Last night I proceeded to get drunk (big surprise) so I was feeling pretty spry and decided to go downstairs to the main bar and see what kind of trouble I could get into. As my boss and I were walking to a table I saw a very attractive Ethiopian woman (insert your own joke here). I sent a drink over to her table as she was alone and figured what the hell I'm Rich Bitch (comparatively).

She came over after a while and was talking to us telling me how she was finishing her album and was about to go back on tour. The main bar closed and we then went to the lounge in the hotel for one more drink. The night took an interesting turn when she informed me that she wanted me to give her a baby. I thought that was pretty sweet and informed her that I would oblige. She was going on and on about how she wanted to come to the US and "give me baby". My boss left and she asked if I wanted to go to a shesha place. In my current state I thought whats the worst that could happen? We took a cab out of the compound (yes there are armed guards and twenty foot stone walls) and proceeded down some strange back alleys.

Finally we arrived and went into a private room and started with the shesha. After about 10 minutes of her rambling and hogging the shesha she found it necessary to lick my face and make out with me. I was in! Little did I know, or I didn't put all the pieces together (her high-fiving all the workers, the cab, and all employees at the Hilton), that she then informed me how poor she was and wanted money for "giving her baby". This is where it gets interesting...We went back to my room and I was still deciding wether or not to go through with it. As I am getting comfortable she orders room service and then puts on some of my clothes (her boobies were a bit saggy). She tried to make out with me reminding me of her poverty when I made the decision to tell her that I was not going to give her baby nor marry her. She was quite angry and asked if she should go. I told her to do what she wanted. She then got into bed and proceeded to fall asleep.

My next move was to take all electronics, passports, money, etc and put them in the in room safe. I couldn't fit my laptop so I hid it. I laid 300 Birr on her purse ($30 USD) and went to sleep around 5 am. Much to my chagrin that bitch wakes me up demanding more money now telling me about her love for Jesus and how poor she is. I am fucking tired and not really interested in dealing with her anymore. She told me I wasted her time and I reminded her that all she did was lick my face and tried to give me an over the pants foot-job (awful by the way). I went back to my safe and gave her an extra 200 Birr and told her to give me my clothes back. I went to the door opened it and waited for that skank to leave. When I woke up I found my room key missing and assumed that she was going to come back with some sort of angry African pimp so I went downstairs and asked the front desk to change the lock and quickly. I am hoping the whore doesn't come back to the bar tonight as there are quite a number of English and South African women who are in for some sort of banking conference. The sad thing is that I didn't realize she was a hooker until she actually asked for money. I should have seen that one a mile away. I think she only wanted 1500 Birr for "a baby" which is pretty good considering my last experience. I have a picture of her on my digital camera which I will share when I get back. I have now been propositioned on every continent I visited. Awesome.

Discuss where I went wrong.

- XXXX "Jungle Fever" XxXXXXXX

Here is the OFFICIAL ETHIOPIAN HOOKER. I noticed the stain on the sheets. My guess is that it's actually food, but I magnified it 5X so people could analyze. My feelings on the situation? The Road Warrior saw the opportunity to use his penis and common sense deserted him. However, after enough of "the runaround", he came to his senses and considered the monetary implications of his actions. The Road Warrior opted for damage control at an appropriate time and even had the foresight to avoid an African pimp. I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same...

The Road Warrior's Special Lady (of the Night)
RESPONSE #1 - THE BROTHER

Where did you go wrong....Hmmmm....where do I begin

1. you were drunk
2. YOu thought you could get laid in Ethiopia
3. YOu didn't recognize a hooker (I figured you'd have seen that coming a mile away)
4. You're [name removed]

RESPONSE #2 - CONCERNED FRIEND

As your brother mentioned, you made a number of mistakes. Please find more information below.

1). You believed her concert tour story, just like I believe every stripper really IS going to school and not using the money to buy coke and abortions.

2). You assumed an attractive Ethiopian woman was interested in you. Not that you're not man pretty, but in a country like that you have to use your assets to eat.

3). You asked what the worst tha could happen. In summation, AIDS! And over there they don't have Magic Johnson AIDS, they've got legit John Holmes AIDS. That's worse than death.

4). Although Charlie Sheen says he doesn't pay for sex, he pays them to leave in the morning, I feel like you were / are a sucker for droppin a Grant to have your clothes smell like Ethiopian and feverishly masturbate to a potential halfie baby making session, where the best you could hope for would be to name your child Chris.

That is not all, but sufficient for now. No homo.

RESPONSE #3 - CONCERNED FRIEND

1. Once you found out she was a hooker you didn't kick her out fast enough. No matter the continent, hookers do not have souls.

2. Saggy titties are for poor people. I met Lane's girlfriend today. She has sweet rockin' tits despite also having a 3 year old. AMERICA BITCH! (At this point I'd like to clarify that yes I am emailing drunk)

3. I'm pretty sure even I told you not to let your chubby weiner out of your sight (usually not a problem during sex) when you were in Africa, but apparently you have no use for the one good piece of advice I will ever give you. Despite his blinding whiteness, [name removed] is right about the aids thing. I'd consider supergluing a condom onto your member (and over your ass?) for the rest of the trip.

4. At least the exchange rate is in your favor, so unlike your European hooker story at least this one did not cost you very much.

5. If you ever name your kid Chris, you are officially my bitch for life. Or Duncan's. In which case ... moral victory.

PS. Yes, the xbox is still broken.

Da Fest 2008

We go to CollegeFest in Boston every year and it's one of my favorite events. It's one of the few times that I get to "give back to the community". Typically 15,000+ students attend CollegeFest and most of them line up to get into our booth. It's really kind of insane -- some kids wait 2-3 hours just to get in. We headed to Boston on a Thursday for an event at The Greatest Bar then CollegeFest was on Saturday and Sunday. The Playboy girls that had the (dis)pleasure of working with me were: Miss October 2008 Kelly Carrington, Cyber Girl Amanda Corey, Cyber Girl Jo Garcia, and Miss Playboy Mobile Amber J. From Boston, I had booked Cyber Girl Brittany Sylvanowicz and Special Edition Model Lauren D'Marie that had worked a previous TNT event with me. Later, I would also meet The Playboy Energy Girls.

THURSDAY @ THE GREATEST BAR

"The Greatest Bar" is OK but certainly not great. It was supposed to be a Playboy Energy Party and we were just tagging along ... with our two bands that were set to play and a video crew. Our bands were running late (since they were driving in that day) but were able to finish the sound check before 9. When 9PM (the supposed start time of this party) rolled around, the Playboy Energy Bus was still AWOL. They arrived before I had a heart attack and it was quite a sight. The girls had on heels, high socks, short black skirts, and wifebeaters. Aside from the one Asian girl, they all had bleached blonde hair. They pretty much stayed in their corner all night when they weren't throwing shirts from the bar. It was an exclusive area in the most uncool way -- the bar wasn't exactly packed. The first band, Illinois, got an interesting reception. They're a badass indie rock band who include a steel guitar and banjo in the performance. I enjoyed it but the crowd wasn't exactly "getting down" ... and then they literally blew a fuse. Luckily, the (ripoff) sound guy repaired it before we scrapped the remaining performances. The White Tie Affair gave another outstanding performance that included the lead singer Chris standing on the bar. It probably had something to do with the lunchboxes that the Greatest Bar bartenders were throwing at the band. It was a strange mix of stalker-teen White Tie fans, bleach blonde models, old men, and Playboy staff -- but it was a good time.

FRIDAY - SET UP DAY

The day before CollegeFest is a beeyotch. You get to a booth that you've dropped $15K on and it looks like garbage. After the initial panic subsided, we started to put our "Playboy Lounge" together and it looked great. It was more relieving when the union guys brought our 5000 pound shipment from the receiving area. We were no longer screwed and the outlook was good. We finished in time for a reasonable dinner time.

I went to a place called Rock Bottom with Neal (who runs a sub par blog called Real Cinch) and James. They're both pencil-pushing proposal writers... that's right, you heard me... blog about it. Neal pussed out, so James and I went to Revolution Rock Bar to catch up with the Playboy Energy Bus.

If I could fight the Energy Bus, I would
There was a line outside, but we got out of the cab and just said we were with Playboy and showed our business cards. I know, I sound like a douche, but I don't think I've ever done that before in "real life" (while sober). Inside, there was a similar Playboy Energy situation... this bar was packed and the hooker-ish crew was relegated in the corner. I hate going to "da club" if I'm not sitting at a table simply because it's unbearable (and hopefully I'm drinking for free if I'm sitting at a table). From my spot in the corner, I observed that the bar was at least 2/3 guys... lame. I tried striking up a conversation with one of the Playboy Energy girls out of sheer boredom. She went along with it for a while and then went ice cold. Little did she know that I was the one being charitable. After James and I had a couple beers, the camera crew went outside to film the inside of the Energy Bus. As soon as we stepped on, some David Beckham-wannabe that was somehow "in charge" of this tour told me that everybody needed to be quiet. Two seconds later, James and I were standing outside of the bus. Nothing pisses me off more than some douchebag thinking he's important because he has 4 promo models behind him. What a prick.

SATURDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY ONE

The first day of CollegeFest started out smoothly. The Playboy Energy Girls (one security guard called them the "Swedish Basketball Team") showed up a little bit after noon and I wasn't prepared for our models' reaction. They were all pissed off that these girls had matching outfits and they didn't. I had considered the Energy outfits whore-ish, so this was surprising. I don't think they consider the fact that I dictate their attire for these events; they have foolishly opened Pandora's Box. Maybe I'll even make it an OCD poll next time.

My first question was: how much?
The drama didn't end there. Jo Garcia lost her iPhone during the event. I figured it was just James' sleazy way to get her number. But once he had her number in his phone and called it a few times, we still couldn't find it. She started freaking out, which was reasonable given the situation. Our discussion of "it sucks to lose a phone" suddenly turned when one girls conjectured that she had naked pictures of herself on the phone. I couldn't let that go and prodded her further:

OCD: What do you mean she probably had naked pictures of herself on there?
BUNNY: Well, a lot of the time girls in relationships have naked pictures on her phone.
OCD: Do you have naked pictures of yourself on your phone?
BUNNY: Yes.
OCD: More than 50?
BUNNY: Ha, no!
OCD: More than 10?
BUNNY: No
OCD: More than 3?
BUNNY: Yes
OCD: Awesome, I just have two dick pics on mine.

And then I stole her phone. Not really. I did make a "dick pic" comment though... I can't help myself. Other than the drama of the lost phone (and no matching prostitute costumes), the day was a success. Chamillionaire, who I like, performed the last show of the day ... and sucked. It was disappointing.

Don't worry -- they actually hate me
After dinner that night, we all met in the hotel bar to have a few drinks. In one of my conversations, I was told that Brody Jenner made $30K from a recent appearance in New York. I wish my job was to "make appearances". As you know, I've rolled up on these jokers before in Phoenix. It's actually pretty close between him and his stepsister Kim Kardashian. I've heard of her making around $10K, but I've also heard that she's been paid $50K for a Miami event. By comparison, you can book an Official Chris Duncan appearance for $1000 (and you can touch it for $2000).

Unfortunately, the night ended without me being able to successfully sleaze any of our girls. That's a joke. I keep it classy. We were staying at a nice hotel though, so I was trolling the bar for hookers (just kidding, Doug) at the same time. You can spot them a mile away: usually two relatively well-dressed but slutty looking girls scanning the bar back-to-back. I saw a couple of girls like this sitting at the end of the bar and pulled up next to them while ordering a drink. I don't remember exactly how our conversation started, but we established that they had just moved to Boston from New York. Then the closer girl asked me if I was gay because she said she was gay and could pick up on "gay signals". Awesome. That's how to NOT to land a John. I still think they were hookers... probably not.

SUNDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY TWO

An hour after the show started, Neal and I went to get lunch for the crew. Upon leaving the food court, I had three pizzas boxes in my arms and there was a slight drizzle but then something caught my eye. Some random adult man in the food court was wearing the most ridiculous shirt of all time. I've seen kids with Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse shirts and I assume they cost like $200, but this guy was wearing what looked to be a nylon Cookie Monster shirt.

This image is equal parts shameful, hilarious, and awesome
Soulja Boy had the final performance at CollegeFest. I wasn't really watching, but I was later told that he threw like $2000 in cash from the stage. At least he didn't try to pick it all up like Pacman Jones. On cue when the show closes, all of the Real World cast members try to sleaze on the Playboy girls. Last year, it was Alex from Denver and Evan from Real World/Road Rules. This year, Cohutta from Sydney made his way over to our booth. It's always hilarious to me when somebody semi-famous is kind of sneaking around trying to get in. Unfortunately, there's no booze at CollegeFest, so he wasn't in drunken rake-in-the-college-poon mode like fellow cast member Isaac last week in Columbus.

With CollegeFest behind me, there's a small period of rest on the horizon. I will have to be well rested when I start growing my mustache for Movember next month.

Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 (Ohio State)

UPDATE: I found Cassie, the model from the East Lansing event, thanks to good old Google. Her name is Cassie Keller... I think the pictures speak for themselves. Wow.

FRIDAY @ THE GAY BAR

When we first arrived in Columbus, we wanted to get food and it was really late. We drove to the main part of High Street in Columbus and we couldn't find a fucking valet for about 20 minutes. Once we did find a spot with valet people that were actually paying attention, we had a choice between a mexican food place on the left and regular bar food on the right. The valets forced our hand and I voted for Union Bar since I had been set on a burger (as usual) all night. The hostess said that she could seat us on the less crowded side of the bar which had more seating and seemed like a better place to eat. The patio and main bar were absolutely PACKED. It wasn't long before we realized that we were in a popular gay bar.

I picked up that our waiter was gay pretty early on. It was hilarious for me when our videographer Johnny started chatting him up because he didn't realize that he was gay. Jess went to the bathroom and two girls started talking to her about Estelle while waiting for the stall. They ended up knocking on the stall and two guys inside started making (fake) sex noises then giggled and came out. I guess the women's room doesn't typically get much use.

Johnny came back from the bathroom, after almost running into a mirror, and then turned around to see two mohawked men waving at him. They didn't see his near collision, but apparently they liked his look. The worst part about our crew is that Johnny and I are both at opposite ends of the spectrum style/look-wise... so between the two of us, we were getting a lot of attention.

At this point, I took the can of dip out of my back pocket and I guess my mini notepad came out. Right on cue, a trio of dudes came by and the guy with a faux hawk and frosted tips picked up my notepad. I found myself pretty much speechless and just tried to roll with it. He told Jess (who works in PR for Playboy) not to read my diary and then gave it to her. After we finished our round of post-dinner Blue Moons, we decided to bolt. It was an honest mistake. Upon returning to the hotel, I googled "Union Bar Columbus" and the first result was from gaycities.com. Burn. I mean, it wasn't called The Penis Depot or anything like that. My burger was excellent.

SATURDAY - GAMEDAY

We were exhausted the next day but lunch revived us somewhat. We had a jackass waiter who looked like the crazy guy ("I thought we were watching cartoons") from Tommy Boy. I was again reminded of the gay population in Columbus when a 6 foot cross-dresser walked out of a place called The Cookware Sorcerer. Awesome. Luckily, Terrelle Pryor helped Ohio State beat shitty Troy -- so we wouldn't have a hostile crowd at our event.

We got a late start setting up at McFadden's and it made me cranky. There was a family eating in the back corner where we were going to set up shop, so we waited for them to finish before littering the tables with nudie magazines. We had two of the three Ohio State girls from the Girls of the Big 10 pictorial. They were arguably the hottest girls in the feature: Marie Morgan and Jamie Graham. The Ohio State Playboy rep, Ari, was a pimp and happened to know both of them.

Girls of the Big 10 from Ohio State: Marie Morgan and Jamie Graham

I had also booked Special Edition model Lyndsy Wolff to work at the event. She showed up along with the other models right on time at 9PM. We had everything set up and ready to go at about 10PM and people started cycling through to get signed magazines and shirts. After a while, I noticed that one guy who had arrived right-on-time was still hanging out. He wasn't really causing any trouble, so we didn't make him leave. I'm guessing he was just really drunk because he sat there all night. Lisa posed for a fake picture at about 2AM so I could snap a shot of our relaxed friend.

The Innocuous Mustache Guy has a leg up on the crowd... do you know where your dad is?
Our VP told me that Mike Commodore might want to stop by. He showed up with a buddy after we had been working the event for an hour or so. Unfortunately, his fro and lumberjack beard were both gone. I got a good picture of him with the girls. There was another minor celebrity in the building for our party. Isaac from Real World Sydney was friends with Ari and stuck around for the concert.

Mike Commodore sans fro & beard with the girls
We had to bring in a stage for The White Tie Affair and they ended the tour with another great performance. The girls danced on the stage and Lyndsy even attempted to play the drums for a while. That was both awesome and hilarious. It was a little concerning when drunk civilians took the stage towards the end of the night, but no dancing college students were injured. Columbus was probably the best event. McFadden's was packed and the people were super drunk because of the early football game. I'm sure some people got black out drunk twice in one day. That's skill.

Click Here for the Full Playboy Girls of the Big 10 Photo Gallery

Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 (Part 1)

According to college students, I have a dream job. I'm not going to complain (right now). There are times when it truly is the best job in the world. There are also times when I want to instigate physical altercations with co-workers, bar staff, sponsors, vendors, and even the (diva) models. All in all, it's a good gig.

Our first two events of Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 Tour are in the rearview. I flew into Detroit on Tuesday and we've been rocking a Ford Cargo Van from Detroit to East Lansing to Ann Arbor. Today we head to Columbus for the last event on Saturday.

MICHIGAN STATE (EAST LANSING)

The first event at Michigan State (East Lansing) was a hit. We had four Spartan co-eds (does anybody even use this term anymore?) booked for the event at Rick's East Lansing. I can't remember their pseudonym's, but it's usually a first name/middle name combo. Mad respect to the girls that porn-ify their names a little bit more. The girls' call time was 9PM, so you usually expect them to show up between 15-30 minutes late. I was shocked when I saw the girls walk into the bar at exactly 9PM.

Working with models is a unique gig. Most regular men would fall prey to their well-honed manipulation skills. Luckily, when I started doing this job, I was still pretty much afraid of girls... rendering their powers useless. At this point, I'm a pretty salty girl-wrangler. You want a drink? Don't care. Tired of standing? Don't care. That's your boyfriend? Certainly don't fucking care. The flip-side of the situation is actually the most entertaining. Random boyfriend walks past the line and right up to the table and when questioned says, "That's my girlfriend". Good for you... now step the fuck off. Your girlfriend is working, fool. But don't get me wrong -- these girls were all well-behaved.

The girls from Michigan State with our college reps

People started filtering into the venue, Rick's East Lansing, shortly after the girls arrived. We gave away all 100 guy "Girls of the Big 10" t-shirts in about an hour. We had shirts for girls, but they didn't seem to go as quickly. We had a small amount of wifebeaters for girls... and I ended up seeing a humongous drunk guy wearing one at the end of the night. Unfortunately, our event was not for "Gays of the Big 10" ... not sexy.

We have the The White Tie Affair coming with us to all three Big 10 events and CollegeFest next week. OMG, yes TWTA from The Hills. Obv. You can rag on them all you want, but they're actually very good at what they do. They got the crowd up and jumping with the help of the Michigan State girls and an unbelievably gorgeous Playboy model named Cassie. Cassie and had an instant connection -- we found out that we both love Jumanji.

At the end of the night, it was definitely a great event. We had fantastic reps at East Lansing and I was quite pleased. Ryan, Mary, Dylan, Brad, and Zak are the effing tits. Everybody cleared out a little after 2AM and we packed up our gear. The Playboy crew headed to a late night munchies spot where I picked up a bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant (typical) and I went to sleep at about 3AM.

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN - ANN ARBOR

The next morning, we were headed to Ann Arbor at about 10AM. For the Michigan event, we only had one of the three girls from the pictorial that wanted to appear at the event. So to make up for the lack of hot chicks, we had to book four of the girls from Michigan State. I was a little worried that the decision to let them wear their green shirts might end with me getting my ass beat. Luckily, that was not the case.

The Rick's in Ann Arbor actually holds more people than the bar in East Lansing. So we knew we were in for quite a rowdy night. Chris, the boss @ Rick's AA, told me that they had a St. Practice Day (halfway to St. Patty's) party the night before and that the place was packed. The Rick's Ann Arbor staff was more than accommodating -- we're besties now. The White Tie Affair van showed up at about 6PM and it was time to rock and roll.

Our sponsor for the Michigan and Ohio State events was the movie My Best Friend's Girl. I was hoping that once people were drunk enough, it would be a popular attraction. The highlights from the booth were a guy who admitted he jerked off at a bus stop and a girl that boned a certain celebrity who was well-known in the 80's (hint: he's in a popular internet forum picture that says "you're a homo").

Once the party got started, it was a little bit chaotic. There seemed to be a higher level of douchebaggery and I've never seen more broken glass on the floor in my life. The East Lansing girls were professionals when it came time to bring The White Tie Affair on stage.

I had to tip my hat to TWTA. They're not my favorite band, but they're good at what they do. They covered "Billy Jean" but then they went out on a limb with Lil Wayne - "Got Money". I have to admit, they fucking killed it with "Got Money". So the girls were shaking in on stage, and I did notice a weird "move" they were trying. Apparently, it's sexy to do what I termed a "reverse Eiffel Tower" where the girls put their hips together and arch their backs... not really sure what that's about.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these girls watch The Hills

When we got back to the girl's signing table, some assholes had taken the chairs. I didn't really feel like stirring up shit since the night was almost over -- so I just ignored that fact. I did notice that one of them had drawn a penis on the table cloth. That would have been somewhat amusing if it didn't cost $700. A short time later, two of the jackasses decided that they would try to fight each other. I was almost killed in a fratboy crossfire while trying to diffuse the situation. Once the 250 pound meathead turned his murderous gaze towards me, I decided that his "friend" would be a better martyr.

We were all pretty exhausted once the first two events were done. Fortunately, we had Friday to travel and get situation in Columbus with the event on Saturday. The drive to Columbus was about 3-4 hours and I will report back on the final event in a day or two.

Click Here for the Full Playboy Girls of the Big 10 Photo Gallery

Michael Vick Takes Biggest Paycut in History

The guy used to be worth tens of millions of dollars and now makes less than a dollar a day. According to his lawyers (via USA Today)

"The debtor is not employed (except for employment in prison for wages of 12 cents per hour)."

Michael Vick's life is completely destroyed. He's got herpes, no money, and lives in prison. We all thought Marcus Vick had the ultimate meltdown when he stomped on Elvis Dumervil's leg and pulled a gun in McDonald's. At least Marcus has his freedom and also a hot girlfriend, Delicia Cordon.

Delicia Cordon makes being a failure feel quite alright
Michael Vick AKA Ron Mexico AKA Ookie used to make $700,000 per game. That doesn't count the millions he made from endorsements and dog fighting either. The Michael Vick Experience just isn't what it used to be.

Those extras make more money than Michael Vick

Brandi C Eliminated, Looks Crazy

I watch I Love Money and I think Brandi C looks a little bit insane. She's got wayyyy too much going on. She needs less makeup, less botox, less colagen, less facial piercings, etc. I found a good picture of her where she looks much like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth. It's true.

They both have good alien scowls
According to an interview, she got porn out of her system after Rock of Love. But apparently, she couldn't get that used-pornstar-look off of her face.

Will Wright's Amazing Fashion Statement

Will Wright is the creator of Sim City, The Sims, and the new game Spore. Obviously, he's very smart and very rich man. I looked him up on Wikipedia to find out more and I came across a picture of him from South by Southwest. I know he's a badass, but I think this is a little extreme. The Columbia vest with no undershirt is quite bold.

Will Wright doesn't let sleeves limit his genius

OCD Actual Convo: Got Boned by the GZA

I would have posted this earlier, but Time Warner is trying to silence me by shutting down my internet. That... or incompetence. In any case, I had a lovely conversation with my old friend from high school. He lives in Texas and recently went to see the GZA in concert. I was quite entertained by this exchange. However, I still need somebody to give me more details on the "Dallas mafia".

He's trying to figure out how to bang your girlfriend... again
Anonymous Asshole Friend:  do you know who the Gza is? from the wutang clan?
Anonymous Asshole Friend:  He's cousin to the Rza, and one of the best rappers ever, but (name removed), me and this girl we know who drove us saw him in Austin last night, and after the show she got on his tour bus and boned the Gza
OfficialChrisDuncan:  hahahaha
Anonymous Asshole Friend:  it was pretty funny
except for the part where we waited outside the Gza's tour bus for two hours
OfficialChrisDuncan:  wow, that's a lot of boning
OfficialChrisDuncan: was she hot?
Anonymous Asshole Friend:  yeah she's super hot
OfficialChrisDuncan:  that's disappointing
Anonymous Asshole Friend:  we know her boyfriend
Anonymous Asshole Friend:  her boyfriend that deals underground card games for the Dallas mafia

RIP UNLIMITED INTERNET 1996-2008

Unfortunately, the concept of "unlimited internet" will be a time in history from the about 1996 (AOL went to monthly fees) to 2008. The concept of paying for "hourly internet" became ridiculous once broadband was available. However, average consumers will be paying for a new unit of internet: bandwidth. Comcast will start enforcing a cap of 250 GB per month while Time Warner is testing tiered bandwidth limits in Texas. This limit may not present many immediate problems -- but its potential impact is far greater than simply handcuffing bandwidth hogs. As Om Malik stated last week, "Much as I would like to think otherwise, this is the end of the Internet as we know it."

GIGA WHAT, GIGA WHO
People will have to learn to put bandwidth into context. It's easy for a regular person to understand how much something costs if they're being charged by the hour. Understanding the cost of a unit of data is more difficult. You can understand that 1000 megabytes equals 1 gigabyte -- but without context that means very little.

At the same time, how will we accurately measure data transfer throughout an entire household? A family with multiple PCs (and children) will be hard to track. The New York Times does a good job summarizing a few common bandwidth hogs:

Casual Internet users who merely send e-mail messages, check movie times and read the news are not likely to exceed the caps. But people who watch television shows on Hulu.com, rent movies on iTunes or play the multiplayer game Halo on Xbox may start to exceed the limits — and millions of people are already doing those things.

Streaming an hour of video on Hulu, which shows programs like “Saturday Night Live,” “Family Guy” and “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,” consumes about 200 megabytes, or one-fifth of a gigabyte. A higher-quality hour of the same content bought through Apple’s iTunes store can use about 500 megabytes, or half a gigabyte.

A high-definition episode of “Survivor” on CBS.com can use up to a gigabyte, and a DVD-quality movie through Netflix’s new online service can eat up about five gigabytes. One Netflix download alone, in fact, could bring a user to the limit on the cheapest plan in Time Warner’s trial in Beaumont.

I can guarantee that Hulu, NetFlix, XBox 360, PlayStation 3, and the iPhone (not yet but probably soon) will create numerous "overage" headaches for families in the not-so-distant future. It's a lot like when food was first labeled with calories because people will have to understand the inherent cost of downloading content. It will cost a few bucks to download an HD movie, but it will also cost you a quarter (up to a buck) to the cable company. According to Business Week in 1996, most of AOL's revenue came from "monthly and hourly fees it charges members--$9.95 for the first five hours and $2.95 for each hour after that." With Comcast's 12 Mb connection, you could potentially download 5GB in an hour. Let's say they charge you $50/month with a 250 GB cap -- that hour of downloading was just $1. You're doing a little better than AOL in 1996 -- but who knows how the overages will compare. Keep in mind that the average internet bill was probably much less than the $50 we pay for broadband now.

STILL C.A.P.
I'm sure many of you are saying, "I'm no internet pirate" or "I live by myself". You won't reach the cap... yet. Even so, the cap combined with Moore's Law means that you're paying the same amount for something of diminishing value.

Your previously "unlimited" service is now "limited". The proposed limit or cap means that downloading a certain amount will result in an overage (obviously, further explanation below). Even so, your "unlimited" service actually was limited by the max speed of your connection (10 mb/s for my Time Warner connection) and because the connection is shared with other households (your combined speeds have a set limit).

If you weren't peeved by the idea of a cap, consider the fact that bandwidth costs less and less every day. Taken from Wikipedia, here's an excerpt on Moore's Law:

Network capacity According to Gerry/Gerald Butters,^[19][20] the former head of Lucent's Optical Networking Group at Bell Labs, there is another version, called Butter's Law of Photonics,^[21] a formulation which deliberately parallels Moore's law. Butter's law^[22] says that the amount of data coming out of an optical fiber is doubling every nine months. Thus, the cost of transmitting a bit over an optical network decreases by half every nine months. The availability of wavelength-division multiplexing (sometimes called "WDM") increased the capacity that could be placed on a single fiber by as much as a factor of 100. Optical networking and DWDM is rapidly bringing down the cost of networking, and further progress seems assured. As a result, the wholesale price of data traffic collapsed in the dot-com bubble. Nielsen's Law says that the bandwidth available to users increases by 50% annually.^[23]

You know the way you see that "capacity ticker" before you log into GMail? You know how it's always going up? The cable companies aren't making any promises and don't expect them to adapt quickly. Even if less than 1% of users go over 250 GB of data transfer a month, who is to say that won't be normal in the near future? I bet there are a lot of households that use over 100 GB/month. Those people realistically have a chance of surpassing a 250 GB cap within the next year or two.

I think it's realistic to say that at least 5-10% of people will go over that limit (they might not surpass the limit EVERY month) in the near future. I think that number could be as high as 15%. The point is that the cable companies won't adapt to future usage. In any case, the cap will surely affect more than "less than 1% of users" in a year or two -- not quite as harmless as it sounds. I'm a seasoned internet user and downloader and I really couldn't tell you exactly how much I download. I'd guess between 100-150 GB, but it really does vary.

GOLD DIGGERS
Another problem with the cap is that it's indirectly anti-competitive. Back when AOL was pay-per-hour, it still had free areas. Time Warner and Comcast could do something very similar. Time Warner could offer CNN news clips without counting the download to the cap. At the same time, the cap will also encourage users to use DVR or On Demand since there is no added cost of these services. That also means that content creators will still have to find ways to get onto DVR/On Demand. It would be a lot harder to binge-watch a season of Lost or 24 if it eliminates 10-20% of your monthly download allotment. Translated into dollars, that's an extra $5 to $10 in "cost-to-download". That means it will be extremely difficult to achieve success comparable to broadcast/cable television... without also being on broadcast or cable television.

GUILTY CONSCIENCE
Exceeding the cap will have consequences beyond simple overage charges. Per Download.com, Comcast reserves the right to suspend your account for a year if you go over the cap twice in a six month period. What if there are no other high speed internet options in your area? What if you're locked into a one year contract? I think that's absurd. There are a million arguments against this move.

Time Warner and Comcast would both like to claim that this policy is designed to curb piracy. However, I would imagine that this will actually have the opposite effect. Pirates have always been experts at side-stepping connection and bandwidth issues. They used to split files so they could fit on floppy disks and so dropping your connection wouldn't cost you hours of wasted time. Pirates popularized file compression like ZIP & RAR and adopted compressed video formats like MPEG4 and DIVX/XVID. The same people conceived P2P file-sharing. Do you really think that ABC is going to figure out the best way to get you Lost before they do? Pirates will most likely optimize video for these caps over time. Hulu might be the new hotness -- but it still doesn't edge mininova or ThePirateBay by much in the traffic department.

Hulu, mininova, and ThePirateBay all have similar levels of traffic

What's the best way to avoid the cap? The simple answer: don't use the internet. That's actually not right. The best way to sidestep the cap is to avoid using YOUR internet. Back when AOL was charged per-hour, kids were phishing like it was going out of style. Now, they won't even have to phish. The same "less than 1%" that does all of the downloading will just figure out a way to hack everybody's wireless. Wonderful, isn't it? At least the first time you surpass the cap, you can just say "I think I was hacked" and avoid paying for it.

HATE IT OR LOVE IT
What are the solutions? There probably aren't many that make sense for both consumers and ISP's. There might be a way to wrap bandwidth cost into the cost of content, but you could only hit the big boys (media companies) with that one. Given their aversion to innovation, they'd prefer to let the ISP's play bad guy here. In my opinion, a lot of the solutions may already be here. The remaining potential solutions (that I can think of) go back to roots in piracy. This climate will create a host of new opportunities for file sharing and video compression. It also may force us to go back to the drawing board. Maybe people will create "download stations" that will quickly write DVDs or fill USB memory sticks. Because right now, the fastest way to transfer 8 GB to a consumer... is to overnight them a DVD. Fortunately, the US Postal Service's rates won't screw "less than 1%" of their customers.

OCD Imagery: Dr. J's Girlfriend Dorus Madden

Julius Erving is the man. Well-known for his dunks and short shorts, you can see him in Dr. Pepper commercials now. I'm not sure which of those impresses Dorus Madden the most, but I am quite impressed with her. So that brings us to the question of the day: Would you rather have Dorus Madden or Sarah Palin? I think Dorus wins in my book... barely.

You'd have the same shit-eating grin on your face
Sarah Palin is the Vice President of SASSY

OCD Quote of the Day 8/28

I was watching Democratic National Convention coverage last night on MSNBC. First, has anybody noticed that Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann cut each other off constantly? Ridiculous. Second, I think Bill Clinton could be elected again if he were allowed to run. His speech was pretty impressive. Third, less united/unity talk. Get a new slogan.... and don't say "change". That's pretty much like the drink-drank-drunk rule in Asshole.


The real reason for this post was the incredible live interviews by Chris Matthews. Apparently, NBC thought it would be awesome to get some real people on camera. The first guy was a McCain supporter with a mustache and sideburns who looked he was from 1980. My favorite person was last though. I don't know if this woman was nervous or just stupid, but she had some trouble explaining herself. I like the way she doesn't even say the word "President" or "White House" or "nomination".


Chris Matthews: Ok, madam
Dumb American: Yes
Chris Matthews: Well, that's all I do is ask. I don't have a question. Your feelings, your thoughts about tonight? I didn't think it was unexpectedly harmonious. You're right -- I'm part of the media that thought it would be a bigger fight. But I also don't know what's going on below the surface. When people like Governor Rendell continue to do what they do... I'm not sure what's going on.
Dumb American: Here's the thing, Chris: we've got new blood coming in here... black... Obama. OK? We have his wife. The first black female, as um... first, the First Lady of this country. That is incredible. We have Hillary Clinton. The first woman that has been and gotten this far and has been so gracious in this week and in her speech yesterday passing it off to Obama. That is incredible and very awesome in this country. That's huge.