OCD Actual Conversation: Bruce Bowen is Gay

Apparently one of my friends has decided that Bruce Bowen is gay. It's actually pretty funny for me to imagine him with a hoop earring and some flamboyant clothing. The "bonghitters" mention is a reference to us getting smoked (pun somewhat intended) by the High Times softball team.

Bruce Bowen does not like these allegations
Anonymous Asshole Friend: do you think the NBA's nightmare will come true with another Spurs V Pistons final?
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahaha... that would be great
OfficialChrisDuncan: I'll kill myself if it's Celtics/Lakers and they talk about the tradition
OfficialChrisDuncan: and how Kobe vs. KG is like Magic vs. Bird
Anonymous Asshole Friend: haha, me too, i really don't want to see that
OfficialChrisDuncan: god, that would be the worst
OfficialChrisDuncan: it also makes me happy knowing that Kobe will be one year older without winning
OfficialChrisDuncan: http://www.playboy.com/blog/2008/05/bad-news-bunnies.html#more
Anonymous Asshole Friend: agreed, i too would love another pistons spurs cause the spurs own detroit and i need some hockey retribution
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahah FUCK YOU
OfficialChrisDuncan: Spurs are very good though
OfficialChrisDuncan: I like their team a lot
Anonymous Asshole Friend: the best
OfficialChrisDuncan: minus Bruce Bowen and Tony Parker
Anonymous Asshole Friend: you don't like them?
OfficialChrisDuncan: Manu pisses me off because he's good
OfficialChrisDuncan: Bruce Bowen is douche and I think TP is overrated
OfficialChrisDuncan: maybe TP isn't overrated anymore
Anonymous Asshole Friend: TP is not overrated
Anonymous Asshole Friend: points in the paint man, he owns that shit and he's little
Anonymous Asshole Friend: Bowen pisses everyone off who isn't a spurs fan but that's his job
OfficialChrisDuncan: yeah... the Claude Lemieux
Anonymous Asshole Friend: haha ... who isn't a bitch
Anonymous Asshole Friend: bruce bowen looks like a gay man too
Anonymous Asshole Friend: if he had an earing in his ear
OfficialChrisDuncan: hahahahah
OfficialChrisDuncan: don't make me cackle at work
Anonymous Asshole Friend: it's true, spurs are the bonghitters of NBA basketball

The Hottest Spot in NYC

The good places in New York always have people waiting outside. This place is so exclusive that the line starts forming at noon. It's the chop't in midtown. It's not a club. chop't is a place to get lunch. I know the line may move quickly... but this is insane. I guess lots of people like salad.

The guy bounding the opposite direction with some sort of grilled platter knows the score

Stoners vs. Boners 2008

A challenge was issued and accepted. On Wednesday, the Playboy office is facing High Times in softball. It's kind of a tradition, but this is the first time the game is being played in about 3 years. Apparently, facebook and College Humor were set to face off in beer pong... but then it got canceled. Softball is so much classier.

Our squad is made up of 16 people from marketing, editorial, security, and licensing. I think our security crew of Jimmy and Bobby will provide a lot of power -- they play in the Staten Island softball league. We're borrowing my good friend Danny from MTV and expect big things. I've been roiding for the past 4 weeks in preparation for the big day.

Currently, our sponsors are up in the air. We're thinking box wine but might end up with liquor in the clubhouse. In any case, I'm positive that we'll have lost track of the game by the end. We made some sweet uniforms for the game... BONERS 2008! The game is Wednesday in Central Park. Merciless stoner bashing is scheduled for a 6:30 PM start.

Hef would be proud

OCD Breakdown: The Real World Hollywood

The new, Joey-less Real World was sad but still entertaining. While this is certainly not my favorite Real World, this cast does seem to have some potential. Below are five points that are highlighted in the latest episode.

JoJo is a hoho

JoJo is back Ask and you shall receive. The biggest douchebag in the Los Angeles area made another appearance on the show. This time, he actually seals the deal with Brianna. I think there are two important things to note about his appearance: the LA shadow beard and the back-of-mullet that is now pony-tailed off. Having either is grounds for a beating... but both?

Sarah realizes how judgmental she is I love the way they talk about how skanky Brianna is... yet she isn't even the one getting plowed by a roommate. Bri didn't even get a chance to open her legs before Kimberly. Also, what is your mom or boyfriend going to do about your bitching? Just please shut the fuck up and cheat on your boyfriend for real. Otherwise, you are worthless.

Whitebread sandwich as per usual OMG can you believe Dave and Kim are hooking up? It's just like every Real World where the two most whitebread people in the house are teetering on the edge of a relationship. It happened recently in Sydney (Cohutta/Kelly Anne), Denver (Alex/Colie), Austin (Danny/Melinda), Las Vegas (Steven/Trishelle), etc.

Greg sucks This kid is a bitch. He acts hard because he's a loner. It's the whole "I don't need anybody else" routine... but you know he just has low self-esteem. The fashion show makes this pretty obvious. He walks the catwalk like an idiot -- twirling his jacket and pirouetting. Can somebody please knock this douchebag down off of his high horse?

Das Not Wassup Alex and I had Will's "Das Wassup" count at 3 after the first episode. Since then, he has not uttered the phrase once. I'm going to assume that he still says it but that the production team has edited it out of some scenes. I am very, very disappointed.

OCD Quote of the Day 5/15

I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently. I find I have a calming influence on people I'm around.

Of course Ricky Williams is a calming influence. That's why the Toronto Argonauts picked him up. He has a high voice, does yoga, and smokes a shitload of weed. I just wish he had a King Tut beard and dreads still.

Want to be famous by seeing your name on my blog? Email a tip or potential quote of the day to officialchrisduncan@gmail.com.

OCD Breakdown: 5 Signs of a Rapist

As I shamefully admitted earlier, I picked up the new Cosmo because it had an insane feature: "5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape". My thoughts were that the reasons would be either entirely too obvious or fear-inducing garbage.`I made my predictions half-jokingly in the previous post on how Cosmo's "undetected rapist" works. They're not that far off.

He carefully plans his attacks Well, if he's carefully planning his attacks how the hell would you find out? So yeah, any guy could be planning to rape you at any time. Be on the look out. Their main piece of advice is to "never go off alone with someone you barely know".
He is likely a serial rapist Oh, right. He's going to tell you he's a serial rapist. They say to look out for a disconnect between actions and words -- I'll give them that one. But they sandwich that between pointers like not getting drunk and not hanging out with "creepy" guys.
He holds stereotypical view of men and women This is pretty much telling women that they should be on the look out for guys that say shit like they're from the 60's. So if a guy calls you a "broad", it's time to bail. This line is a gem: "If his pals are telling sexist jokes, making fun of women, commenting on breasts [then] he's probably doing it too -- just not in front of you." That is not acceptable behavior, but that doesn't make this group a bunch of rapists. Do women ever tell sexist jokes, make fun of men, or comment on a man's ass or crotch? Rapists... all of them.
He uses alcohol and/or drugs as a tool Oh, really? They just combine the points of not being drunk and not going somewhere alone with a strange guy.
He uses psychological domination more than brute force You're all right if he's just pushing you around. There's no real advice here. Just a reminder that rapist is not right in the head.

I'm happy to conclude that I'm not a nonstranger rapist. I'm going to have to stop steepling my fingers like one though.

Am I Capable of Rape?

The new Cosmo has a story about "5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape". While sexual assault is nothing to joke about, Cosmo itself IS a joke. There's no way that this article is actually going to teach a woman anything useful. If anything, it will just make them more paranoid. Yesterday, I hit up the drug store to buy some crack -- I mean sugar-free Red Bull and saw this magazine at the counter. Today, I broke down and bought it. I'm yet to read the article, but I will try to predict the "5 Signs":

1. Male
2. Heterosexual
3. Bigger Than a Woman (courtesy of Mangan)
4. Drunk (or any variation of fucked up)
5. Crazy (or any variation of insane)

I will report back after I read the article to see if I was right. In the mean time, here's the cover: