Am I Capable of Rape?

The new Cosmo has a story about "5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape". While sexual assault is nothing to joke about, Cosmo itself IS a joke. There's no way that this article is actually going to teach a woman anything useful. If anything, it will just make them more paranoid. Yesterday, I hit up the drug store to buy some crack -- I mean sugar-free Red Bull and saw this magazine at the counter. Today, I broke down and bought it. I'm yet to read the article, but I will try to predict the "5 Signs":

1. Male
2. Heterosexual
3. Bigger Than a Woman (courtesy of Mangan)
4. Drunk (or any variation of fucked up)
5. Crazy (or any variation of insane)

I will report back after I read the article to see if I was right. In the mean time, here's the cover:

OCD Actual Conversation: Friendly Strippers

You can tell that my friends are quality individuals. I had to change one detail slightly so it's not completely obvious who this is. In any case, this is one of the best stories of all time.

Anonymous Asshole Friend: ya know, i dont think i ever told you the funniest thing that happened to me while i was down south
Official Chris Duncan: haha
Anonymous Asshole Friend: so good ... the last night i was there, when i went to the strip club and got 20 mins worth of lap dances
Anonymous Asshole Friend: i get a text from my sister that just says "mom is asleep"
Anonymous Asshole Friend: because apparently, the stripper, while performing said lap dance
Official Chris Duncan: haha
Anonymous Asshole Friend: grinded on my phone, and called my mom
Official Chris Duncan: amazing
Anonymous Asshole Friend: yeah, i mean, you cant even make taht shit up haha

Speaking of moms and floozies, check out the Supersquan blog about the previous weekend. Nothing can be more embarrassing than having to bring a girl home to your parents house and then having mama take care of the ride-of-shame. Having it happen on Mother's Day just makes it more shameful.

I'm also waiting for a recount of the Vegas stripper story I heard last night. My roommate Brad was in Vegas rolling deep -- and they had to leave a man behind.

Alert: Megan Fox Topless

I figured this was enough to constitute a blog post. Megan Fox was nice enough to take her top off and show her absolutely perfect body. Thanks to Mangan for sending this link and making my day/week/year/life. Mangan will be blogging all summer from the Dirty Jersey shore, so check it out.

Too bad Megan Fox is engaged to Brian Austin Green. You know, the guy from fucking 90210. Who wants to rent a U-Haul, buy a weapon, and find his house with me? I had to categorize this as bat-shit-crazy because it still baffles me that BAG scored Megan Fox. Extreme bitterness.

Check it out here... before the server crashes.

This is Brian Austin Green mocking you

Darren McCarty's Teeth Are F*cked

Something went horribly wrong with his teeth in between his two stints with the Red Wings. He went to rehab twice and once for an undisclosed substance... meth maybe? Teeth don't get that way from hockey... especially when you're not playing that much.

So far, this is the only negative part of the NHL in HD experience. I strongly suggest watching some playoff hockey. It may surprise you to know that you get Versus (the main channel for the NHL with NBC handling the weekend games). Maybe you didn't realize it was on because Versus sandwiches the NHL between HOLY @#%*! and Bull Riding. I guess hockey is actually the shitty lead-in since the Versus website lists Bull Riding before NHL Hockey. Hey, at least the NHL has clawed its way back to relevancy on the ESPN header. I'm pretty sure it was lifted after Women's Hoops at one point.

Darren McCarty "has a smile only a mother could love"

Summer Fashion: Nips and Snatch

I wish more girls would wear Old Navy. The new Old Navy commercial in the "Neon Nights" series runs on national television very often and resident nipple sleuth Alex pointed out that a nip makes a brief appearance. With his expert DVR skills, we were able to use slow-mo and find the exact instant that nipple is most evident. The pictures are below:


Most likely due to the fact that I have the television habits of a 13 year-old girl, I have seen that same Old Navy commercial about 20 times in the past week. If you haven't noticed, Old Navy has been re-positioning its products by creating commercials that try to convince teens that a young adult model may wear one of their garments to a hot night club. It definitely has that "The Hills" vibe. The new idea is low cost clothing but high fashion style. Not a bad idea if H&M, Zara, etc. weren't already doing it. It's at least better than the solid color background commercials that showed the piece and the price. Although my research for this post indicated that this new line got generally positive reviews. The other funny thing was my search brought me to a blog post asking how often its readers went bra-lass. Here's the actual commercial:

Nip happens at 1:36 but it's slightly different in the 30 second spot

Coincidentally, I got a picture message from my friend Cully today. He's in Istanbul on tour with The Gutter Twins. They just played in Lisbon and Athens... lucky bastard. He came across a wall postered for a brand called Snatch Street Fashion. This is probably one of the sweetest logos of all time. I usually don't wear my huge diamond ring when I plan on deploying the shocker. But maybe it's time to start.

At Bunny Headquarters

I'm in Chicago at our corporate headquarters picking up supplies for
our concert at the Darkroom. The Heavy is about to rock this town.
That's why I have to make sure our girls have their wifebeaters and
got2b hair gel to pass out.

The Real World Hollywood is Special

We watched the last Real World and I have to say that I was thoroughly entertained. We didn't get very far into the LA version of this show without encountering the infamous promoter-douchebag species. I have to deal with some of these people at work and they are quite greasy. Some are better than others, but of course Brianna brought home the biggest douche of them all: JoJo. He's got a faux-hawk, wears eyeliner, opts not to wear a shirt under his hoodie, and has no problem dry-humping people in public.

JoJo mounts Brianna as Kimberly and Sarah watch in horror... and prepare their next holier-than-thou speech for Bri (because they care about her, not because they're judgmental)

I've been praying on a daily basis that this guy makes a return to the show. The most impressive feat (other than bringing his douchebaggery into the house) was when he essentially mounted Brianna as the roomies were hanging out in the kitchen. It would be one thing if they were alone and Brianna wasn't wearing boy-shorts and a thong... but this d-bag is forcing the issue (and his semi) into the uncomfortable zone. Also, does anybody else think that Brianna looks like "The Twins" from The Matrix: Reloaded?

Brianna is going for the Matrix: Reloaded look