Now that the Official Chris Duncan Blog has been up a little over a month, I can cover my progress in promoting the site. The first month brought 564 unique visitors (we can chalk up 3 of those to me on my laptop, me at work, and me on my iPhone). Average time on the site is 1:37 which means people are actually reading what I post. A little over 70% of the 564 visitors only came once and never came back. However, that also means that the rest visited more than once -- about 70 people have visited 10+ times. How did that happen?
Most of My Traffic Came from Google
Google sent 251 visits (different than unique visitors) for 31% of the total visits. I can safely say that most people weren't looking for my blog. I catch a lot of random Playboy keywords from my posts about events, Mark Frazier, etc. I haven't gotten any traffic from Yahoo at this point. I think that once I get listed on other search engines, I should have a decent bump in traffic. I can only hope that some of these people decide to actually read my blog if they don't find what they're looking for. Here are a few examples of searches that landed on my site and probably didn't give the visitor what they were looking for: "masturbate with a vibrator", hugh laurie phoenix, kept as a latex maid, pete wentz interview, roy williams looks like cartoon, and watch bikini airways online. I call these Chris Duncan's Greatest Hits. Hopefully they liked the site anyway.
Direct Traffic Sent the Second Most Visits
Direct traffic is when somebody types in officialchrisduncan.com into their browser. So that as a second source is huge. Hopefully, that means that people remember the site and come back to it on their own later. It could also mean that somebody visits the OfficialChrisDuncan YouTube Channel and sees the URL in the actual video. So it's hard to understand where direct traffic comes from, but it's definitely the sign of an engaged visitor. I think one of the biggest parts of personal branding is wrapping all of your online identities together. My Flickr, YouTube Channel, Twitter, MySpace Profile, Facebook Page, and Digg/StumbleUpon accounts all point to each other. I'd rather have somebody see some content from me like a picture somewhere else (e.g. Flickr or Facebook) than force them to visit my site. In the last week, I have a YouTube video with almost 500 views and a Flickr image with 300+ views. People will find their way to your site if you have compelling content.
Digg and Reddit Round Out the Major Traffic Sources
I submit my own blog posts to Digg and Reddit. Yes, it's a little bit embarrassing that I'm the only one who usually likes them -- but it gets some decent traffic. I have to do more work on these networks to make a name for myself. Along with StumbleUpon, they are a great case to showcase your own interests and hopefully connect with people in a way that will get them to my site. This type of grassroots networking isn't just for social bookmarking sites. I also have to do a better job visits sites that I think have similar visitors to mine and begin commenting/posting on forums.
Uncounted Traffic
My goal is to put my site in as many places as possible. So it's fed into my MySpace profile, Facebook profile, and Facebook page. I'm pretty sure that my measuring for these sites (FeedBurner Live Hits) is less than accurate. The hard part is convincing people to actually visit my site instead of reading it on my Facebook profile. I plan on changing the Facebook feed to short previews instead of the entire post, so hopefully that sends more traffic to the site.
Momentum is Building
The site is definitely on the upswing. I can't always hope for an increase in traffic every day, but I do hope it becomes more stable. If I just take stats from the last week (and that includes 12 hours of downtime last night), I still have 420 unique visitors. Of those people, 20% have visited the site more than once. So there are a lot of people who want more Official Chris Duncan. And I haven't even started posting my homemade porn yet.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Friday, February 8, 2008
The Knicks Lose! Fire Isiah!!
I headed to Madison Square Garden on Wednesday to watch the Knicks and Pacers with my cameraman by my side. My #1 goal was to start a "Fire Isiah" chant. Unfortunately, the Knicks were winning most of the game... until they choked. We actually had somebody from MSG tell us to put our signs away as we were leaving. Dolan is a fucking tyrant.
Spreading the FIRE ISIAH gospel in the subway
Most of the "action" while we were at the game is in the YouTube video below. We couldn't muster a real "Fire Isiah" chant, but we enjoyed the game -- not quite as much as Jerome James. Leave it up to General Manager Isiah to screw Coach Isiah by signing such a lazy bastard.
A few quick facts on Jerome James:
If you're so inclined, check out my Pacers vs. Knicks game photo set. Video compilation from the game is below. I love the huge "AWWWW!" as the Knicks crap out at the buzzer. Did anybody expect anything less? FIRE ISIAH!!
Most of the "action" while we were at the game is in the YouTube video below. We couldn't muster a real "Fire Isiah" chant, but we enjoyed the game -- not quite as much as Jerome James. Leave it up to General Manager Isiah to screw Coach Isiah by signing such a lazy bastard.
A few quick facts on Jerome James:
- Didn't play organized basketball until college
- Nickname is "Big Snacks"
- Signed a 6 year $30 million contract OR about $75,000 per game
- Averages 9.8 fouls per 48 minutes of play
- Averaged 3.1 points and 2.0 rebounds per game in his first year with the Knicks
If you're so inclined, check out my Pacers vs. Knicks game photo set. Video compilation from the game is below. I love the huge "AWWWW!" as the Knicks crap out at the buzzer. Did anybody expect anything less? FIRE ISIAH!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Playboy Super Bowl Party 2008 Recap
The dust has settled and the party is now in the books. For the third straight year, I've witnessed the Playboy Super Bowl Party officially known as Super Saturday Night. In Detroit, we were in a hangar at the Detroit Airport for the "8 Mile High Club". Last year we converted the American Airlines Arena into "PM: Playboy Miami After Dark".
Every year, there are uncontrollable elements that force you to adapt. It was freezing cold with snow in Detroit. In Miami, we were given l2 hours for move-in at the arena because the NFL had an event there the previous night. That's $100K worth of carpeting, constructing bars/cabanas, creating a silent auction room with almost 100 items worth over $200K, building a massive DJ booth, and then making it LOOK like a party. By the time DJ Reach arrived at American Airlines, people were starting to filter in and there were guys with drills trying to put VIP booths together.
The War Room at The Playboy Villa aka the hotel meeting room
You can't help but be delirious at the end of the night -- Detroit was a 20+ hour day, Miami was exactly 24, and this year it was 21. Super Saturday Night is a 12-month project (they'll be looking for a Tampa hotel in a couple weeks) with a budget exceeding a million dollars. And it's always fucking incredible.
The Playboy Villa
Our home away from The Crown Building in New York is always a luxurious boutique hotel in the hottest part of the Super Bowl host city. Not really. We usually occupy about 90% of the rooms at the hotels we choose. That means all the Playmates can be impressed by me moving boxes and driving a rental car (Toyota Highlander).
Playboy Staff (note the blackberry party) and Playmates Hiromi, Deanna, Tiffany, and Pilar dine on the breakfast buffet
This year, Mr. Charlie Romano was my bunk-buddy (we had a two bedroom, actually) and he managed to run amok in Phoenix as well (my exploits are documented here). He went to the Pepsi Smash in the VIP section. That's just how we roll when we're not blogging. We do it all for you.
On an early morning KMart run, I hit photographer James Trevenen's rental with mine while backing out of the hotel parking lot. It was hilarious. But the final KMart run yielded one of the greatest "you're not in New York" moments. The girl at the register asked us if we were French. It must've been Charlie's mohawk. Charlie and I don't look anything close to French. She must not get out of Phoenix very much. The "Playboy Villa" was in Phoenix, most of the other events were in Scottsdale, and the Playboy venue was in Chandler.
The Venue: Rawhide! Yee-haw?
I bet the Giants were pissed that we chose this spot because the nearest hotel (literally a 60 second drive) was their team hotel. They could probably hear the party on Saturday night. We had to convert a gigantic tented area into a party. It was no easy task. When I pulled up on Thursday, I couldn't even tell where it was going to be. Charlie and I drove all the way to the Western town -- the kind where they stage shootouts. We got back on the road and found another road that brought us past the petting zoo complete with a bison.
Relevent, our production company, had the place looking like the retro-themed Desert Oasis and Resort by the middle of the day Friday. I did everything from lift boxes, haul a thousand pounds of water, direct traffic, find salt, set up umbrellas, help get the wireless internet set up, move really angry-looking and sharp cacti, and get our college rep bus to the event (more on that below).
The Hero: The Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Bodypainter Mark Frazier and his team arrived at 10:30AM as we had specified in their contract. Mark is an amazing professional and I don't just say that because he may be my ticket to the Playboy Mansion (his interview is in a follow-up post). When he arrived at the venue, there was no power in our production area and his crew couldn't get started. Not a problem -- Mark and his crew relaxed and knew they could get it all done. One of the guys asked me to give him our PR girl's number so he could call her about inviting NFL player to the event. That's always iffy, but he ended up getting Leon Hall. So it worked out.
Arizona nudity laws require that the models have pasties and latex thongs. Mark Frazier says he hates working with pasties and latex thongs. I feel like that's almost a Chuck Norris level of bad ass in that statement. Possibly more. I saw the first girl done with my favorite design a little after before lunch. That was a nice diversion from the shit-hitting-the-fan pace we endure. One of my (female) co-workers was irked by the fact that "when the girls bent over, you could see their skin because their buttcracks weren't painted". I have an interesting job.
Mark Frazier and the Bodypainted Models... jealous?
Mark and the team finished the job with plenty of time to spare. The girls looked amazing. I felt pretty pleased with my first of two major contributions to the party.
The Bus: Reppin' Playboy On Campus
I fucking love college marketing. There's no two ways about it. I love college sports. I love college girls. I love being irresponsible. I love having free time to waste. Other than the sports, those are becoming a much smaller part of my reality and it makes me sad. So my job "keeps me in the game" because I'm a sad old man. But this sad old man had to make sure that 50 beautiful girls from the University of Arizona made it to our party safely. I do a very good job.
Aside from the few hundred girl-only tickets that I sent out, the rep bus was my big contribution to "the ratio". I assigned two reps, Michael Knudten and Laurie Laird, the task of recruiting a bus full of girls. It doesn't matter how big the celebrity, the girls' entrance has been a show-stopper the past two years and this was no exception.
Girls from the University of Arizona @ Playboy Super Bowl Party
They arrived at about 9:30PM and I was able to meet them at about 10:00PM with the bus parked right in front of our entrance. Charlie and I tried to work our magic with the PR team running the red carpet but we just missed our opportunity to have them walk the red carpet. We were told that Common, our host, was arriving at that moment. He walked in wearing a grey suit with some bad ass grey shoes that looked like they were worth more than my life. As we were about to the unleash the hotness of the University of Arizona onto the red carpet, Nick Cannon arrived and bumped us again. I was about to step in and stop the line when I saw a police car pulling up. We were definitely getting bumped from the red carpet again because Hef was arriving with a police escort and his girlfriends. Seeing The Man himself walk into our event was probably the first time I've ever actually been starstruck. They were walking the red carpet for about 30 minutes since EVERY press member wanted to interview one of the girls individually (plus Hef was there).
Hugh Hefner and Kendra Arrive @ Playboy Super Bowl Party
After about an hour and a half of waiting, Mr. Romano and I made our way down the red carpet with a gaggle of hot coeds right on Mr. Hefner's heels. They literally entered the party after him as he had just finished his interview with Playboy Radio. You can check out the video of the girls below. We had a lot of NFL players at our event, so I suspect the bus did not go back full...
The Show: Party All the Time, Party All the Time, Party All the Time
By the time my duties with the bus were done, it was pretty close to midnight. I had my stint at the door coming up at 1AM. The party is really just something that happens while I'm running around. It's only 6 hours out of a long weekend of work. Still, we managed to pack in 2000+ attendees including a long list of athletes. Audrina and LC stopped by. Sadly, that's sort of exciting for me. I saw them in Cabo last year at a taco stand at 4AM though. I did get to climb into the DJ booth with Nick Cannon and DJ Reach for a few seconds. It was a pretty amazing moment because it was just as Nick Cannon had started on Stronger.
I ended up back at the door soon after to have some guy try to get in with a girl ticket (his girlfriend said that somebody ahead of him had "mixed up tickets"... right). Another two kids tried to convince me to let them in without tickets because they came with a lot of girls ... the old "we're with them". Sorry, guys. The fire marshal shut down the door at about 1:30 because we'd reached capacity. This happened in Miami at about 12:30. We could only let people in at a trickle after that.
Willis McGahee showed up at about 2AM and the party was pretty much done. I was happy that we had landed the Madden Bowl champ. He shook my hand and told me that he had brought a couple of family members. Nice guy.
We drove back to our hotel after 5AM and I ended up getting into my bed after 6AM having to pack when I "woke up". I got up at 7AM to make sure I was ready to go to the airport. Oh yeah, I heard there was a football game scheduled for Sunday. I did make it back just in time to see kickoff at my apartment.
Click here to see the Official Chris Duncan Playboy Super Bowl Party pictures!
Now, it's time to get ready for Spring Break...
Every year, there are uncontrollable elements that force you to adapt. It was freezing cold with snow in Detroit. In Miami, we were given l2 hours for move-in at the arena because the NFL had an event there the previous night. That's $100K worth of carpeting, constructing bars/cabanas, creating a silent auction room with almost 100 items worth over $200K, building a massive DJ booth, and then making it LOOK like a party. By the time DJ Reach arrived at American Airlines, people were starting to filter in and there were guys with drills trying to put VIP booths together.
You can't help but be delirious at the end of the night -- Detroit was a 20+ hour day, Miami was exactly 24, and this year it was 21. Super Saturday Night is a 12-month project (they'll be looking for a Tampa hotel in a couple weeks) with a budget exceeding a million dollars. And it's always fucking incredible.
The Playboy Villa
Our home away from The Crown Building in New York is always a luxurious boutique hotel in the hottest part of the Super Bowl host city. Not really. We usually occupy about 90% of the rooms at the hotels we choose. That means all the Playmates can be impressed by me moving boxes and driving a rental car (Toyota Highlander).
This year, Mr. Charlie Romano was my bunk-buddy (we had a two bedroom, actually) and he managed to run amok in Phoenix as well (my exploits are documented here). He went to the Pepsi Smash in the VIP section. That's just how we roll when we're not blogging. We do it all for you.
On an early morning KMart run, I hit photographer James Trevenen's rental with mine while backing out of the hotel parking lot. It was hilarious. But the final KMart run yielded one of the greatest "you're not in New York" moments. The girl at the register asked us if we were French. It must've been Charlie's mohawk. Charlie and I don't look anything close to French. She must not get out of Phoenix very much. The "Playboy Villa" was in Phoenix, most of the other events were in Scottsdale, and the Playboy venue was in Chandler.
The Venue: Rawhide! Yee-haw?
I bet the Giants were pissed that we chose this spot because the nearest hotel (literally a 60 second drive) was their team hotel. They could probably hear the party on Saturday night. We had to convert a gigantic tented area into a party. It was no easy task. When I pulled up on Thursday, I couldn't even tell where it was going to be. Charlie and I drove all the way to the Western town -- the kind where they stage shootouts. We got back on the road and found another road that brought us past the petting zoo complete with a bison.
Relevent, our production company, had the place looking like the retro-themed Desert Oasis and Resort by the middle of the day Friday. I did everything from lift boxes, haul a thousand pounds of water, direct traffic, find salt, set up umbrellas, help get the wireless internet set up, move really angry-looking and sharp cacti, and get our college rep bus to the event (more on that below).
The Hero: The Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Bodypainter Mark Frazier and his team arrived at 10:30AM as we had specified in their contract. Mark is an amazing professional and I don't just say that because he may be my ticket to the Playboy Mansion (his interview is in a follow-up post). When he arrived at the venue, there was no power in our production area and his crew couldn't get started. Not a problem -- Mark and his crew relaxed and knew they could get it all done. One of the guys asked me to give him our PR girl's number so he could call her about inviting NFL player to the event. That's always iffy, but he ended up getting Leon Hall. So it worked out.
Arizona nudity laws require that the models have pasties and latex thongs. Mark Frazier says he hates working with pasties and latex thongs. I feel like that's almost a Chuck Norris level of bad ass in that statement. Possibly more. I saw the first girl done with my favorite design a little after before lunch. That was a nice diversion from the shit-hitting-the-fan pace we endure. One of my (female) co-workers was irked by the fact that "when the girls bent over, you could see their skin because their buttcracks weren't painted". I have an interesting job.
Mark and the team finished the job with plenty of time to spare. The girls looked amazing. I felt pretty pleased with my first of two major contributions to the party.
The Bus: Reppin' Playboy On Campus
I fucking love college marketing. There's no two ways about it. I love college sports. I love college girls. I love being irresponsible. I love having free time to waste. Other than the sports, those are becoming a much smaller part of my reality and it makes me sad. So my job "keeps me in the game" because I'm a sad old man. But this sad old man had to make sure that 50 beautiful girls from the University of Arizona made it to our party safely. I do a very good job.
Aside from the few hundred girl-only tickets that I sent out, the rep bus was my big contribution to "the ratio". I assigned two reps, Michael Knudten and Laurie Laird, the task of recruiting a bus full of girls. It doesn't matter how big the celebrity, the girls' entrance has been a show-stopper the past two years and this was no exception.
They arrived at about 9:30PM and I was able to meet them at about 10:00PM with the bus parked right in front of our entrance. Charlie and I tried to work our magic with the PR team running the red carpet but we just missed our opportunity to have them walk the red carpet. We were told that Common, our host, was arriving at that moment. He walked in wearing a grey suit with some bad ass grey shoes that looked like they were worth more than my life. As we were about to the unleash the hotness of the University of Arizona onto the red carpet, Nick Cannon arrived and bumped us again. I was about to step in and stop the line when I saw a police car pulling up. We were definitely getting bumped from the red carpet again because Hef was arriving with a police escort and his girlfriends. Seeing The Man himself walk into our event was probably the first time I've ever actually been starstruck. They were walking the red carpet for about 30 minutes since EVERY press member wanted to interview one of the girls individually (plus Hef was there).
After about an hour and a half of waiting, Mr. Romano and I made our way down the red carpet with a gaggle of hot coeds right on Mr. Hefner's heels. They literally entered the party after him as he had just finished his interview with Playboy Radio. You can check out the video of the girls below. We had a lot of NFL players at our event, so I suspect the bus did not go back full...
The Show: Party All the Time, Party All the Time, Party All the Time
By the time my duties with the bus were done, it was pretty close to midnight. I had my stint at the door coming up at 1AM. The party is really just something that happens while I'm running around. It's only 6 hours out of a long weekend of work. Still, we managed to pack in 2000+ attendees including a long list of athletes. Audrina and LC stopped by. Sadly, that's sort of exciting for me. I saw them in Cabo last year at a taco stand at 4AM though. I did get to climb into the DJ booth with Nick Cannon and DJ Reach for a few seconds. It was a pretty amazing moment because it was just as Nick Cannon had started on Stronger.
I ended up back at the door soon after to have some guy try to get in with a girl ticket (his girlfriend said that somebody ahead of him had "mixed up tickets"... right). Another two kids tried to convince me to let them in without tickets because they came with a lot of girls ... the old "we're with them". Sorry, guys. The fire marshal shut down the door at about 1:30 because we'd reached capacity. This happened in Miami at about 12:30. We could only let people in at a trickle after that.
Willis McGahee showed up at about 2AM and the party was pretty much done. I was happy that we had landed the Madden Bowl champ. He shook my hand and told me that he had brought a couple of family members. Nice guy.
We drove back to our hotel after 5AM and I ended up getting into my bed after 6AM having to pack when I "woke up". I got up at 7AM to make sure I was ready to go to the airport. Oh yeah, I heard there was a football game scheduled for Sunday. I did make it back just in time to see kickoff at my apartment.
Click here to see the Official Chris Duncan Playboy Super Bowl Party pictures!
Now, it's time to get ready for Spring Break...
Monday, February 4, 2008
The Infamous Roy Williams Video
I was at the Madden Bowl just minding my own business and I ran into one of my personal heroes, Roy Williams. I had followed his career since he had become a standout wide receiver with the Texas Longhorns. I even know that his favorite food is fried Oreos. My dad's from Detroit, so I'm a Lions fan and that's where he plays in the NFL.
All I wanted was for him to (1) acknowledge me (that pretty much happened, although not as planned) and (2) come to the Playboy Super Bowl Party (definitely got denied on that one). This was about ten minutes before Michael Irvin started sleazing on Andrea. Make sure you have your volume up... I think my best comment comes at the very end. I think it's the 2:15 mark. Roy Williams is definitely not invited to my Cabo birthday party in March!
All I wanted was for him to (1) acknowledge me (that pretty much happened, although not as planned) and (2) come to the Playboy Super Bowl Party (definitely got denied on that one). This was about ten minutes before Michael Irvin started sleazing on Andrea. Make sure you have your volume up... I think my best comment comes at the very end. I think it's the 2:15 mark. Roy Williams is definitely not invited to my Cabo birthday party in March!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Celebs and Booze and Chris Duncan! Oh, My!
I made the trip to Phoenix to work on the Playboy Super Bowl Party. Last year, I ended up at The Shore Club right before LeBron, hit up Suite/Snatch with Hiromi Oshima and Courtney Culkin, and later attended what we thought was Michael Strahan's party (turned out it was his brother's shitty party or something equally lame). I knew that this year might have a few notable fiestas, and my nights in Scottsdale were definitely a success. You don't see a drunk as shit Jonathan Ogden every day.
Wednesday @ Ashlee Simpson's Par-tay
After unpacking boxes for a few hours, I felt tired and needed to eat. That process was delayed as my co-worker Kaki (coolest person that I know) invited me to dine with her friends in Scottsdale. We ended up going to a place called Sapporo with her friend Jase and his buddies. The best description of that place is "Benihana on steroids". After a few rounds of awesome food, Jase asked us if we wanted to "get a few drinks". Translation: we ended up going to the Ashlee Simpson event at Myst in Scottsdale. Yes, it is extremely ridiculous that I was along for that ride. Who the fuck am I?
We stood outside for less than 10 minutes and I had Deanna Brooks hanging onto me (using me for my body heat), so the normal "hip spot" runaround was a little more enjoyable. Once we were wristbanded and inside the venue, we went to the upstairs bar. I wasn't too impressed by the event itself, but it did end up being more entertaining than I thought.
It was your typical upscale Super Bowl party with older, well-dressed men scanning the room for girls that averaged about 20 years old and were wearing as little as possible (it was FREEZING outside). I wasn't really feeling it and I was also stone-cold sober. Then I spotted the one celeb anchoring the upstairs part of the party. Terrell Owens was up there and flanked by a huge guy with scary beard, his posse, and two clearly underage girls. The saddest part was that when he moved, THE WHOLE section of party would move with him. Hilarious.
As he was going towards the private rooms, Deanna decided that she'd try to get him to come to our party. That never ended up happening (although it was just as successful as my attempts the next night -- more below). As we were standing around, I saw one of the biggest men on the face of the Earth. Jonathan Ogden was fucking hammered as he meandered past us. He must have been drinking since about 5PM since I'd guess that his drinking style and tolerance are similar to that of Andre the Giant. I thought he might eat shit as he walked past us and he needed to brace himself on the wall. He was so tall that his extended arm was right over Deanna's head (she's 5'3" 107 and he's 6'9" 345). I was afraid that he'd take down three or four regular people with him if he tipped over.
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz at Myst before her "performance"
Ashlee Simpson also performed in the hour that we were there. She definitely was not lip-syncing, because it sounded like she had smoked about 300 cigarettes before grabbing the mic. The event sucked, but at least I left with a few good memories.
Thursday Night @ Madden Bowl 08
Our publisher couldn't make it to the Madden Bowl, so I ended up being his substitute. The Martini Ranch in Scottsdale had about 300 guys and 20 girls hanging out that night. Awesome. Trey Wingo (who happens to be blacklisted from Playboy events) was hosting what had to be one of the most boring events of all time. He introduced about eight big name players and brought them up on stage. It was so engaging that one of the players was TEXTING while he was standing up there.
My buddy and I detached ourselves from the main bar after a few effective rounds of drinking. We decided to go out back and see what Playboy Radio was doing. At that point, I decided that I should get myself a little more buzzed and try to get some NFL players to come to our event on Saturday. It's pretty standard for me to get drunk so I can talk to guys.
After some initial success, the drinking continued and I became quite bold. My first taste of victory was bringing Mario Williams over to the Playboy Radio area for an interview. It wasn't long until I was approaching the likes of Dontrelle Willis, Warrick Dunn, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Reggie Wayne, etc. Then, my friend pointed out one of my personal heroes... Roy Williams from Texas. I had no problem stepping up and giving him my pitch, but he wasn't very receptive. The result is one of the most hilarious videos that I've ever seen (will post as soon as I'm not using the horrible Marriott wireless).
Andrea Lowell of Playboy Radio (and Surreal Life) was my "co-host" for this shit show and I think that we produced an entertaining product. You'll notice that she encouraged me to continue my fruitless quest. A few highlights:
Andrea consoles me as I make my sad face
As we left the event, Michael Irvin hijacked Andrea. Somehow, he figured out that I was trying to take an iPhone picture of him and said "no pictures!" about ten times. Andrea was able to remove herself from the situation just in time to catch up to us for the fucking $60 cab ride back to Phoenix. Friday (today) was a day of rest once we were done with work. I know... I'm a pussy. Tomorrow is the big day, so prepare yourself for that post. Once again... who the fuck am I?
Wednesday @ Ashlee Simpson's Par-tay
After unpacking boxes for a few hours, I felt tired and needed to eat. That process was delayed as my co-worker Kaki (coolest person that I know) invited me to dine with her friends in Scottsdale. We ended up going to a place called Sapporo with her friend Jase and his buddies. The best description of that place is "Benihana on steroids". After a few rounds of awesome food, Jase asked us if we wanted to "get a few drinks". Translation: we ended up going to the Ashlee Simpson event at Myst in Scottsdale. Yes, it is extremely ridiculous that I was along for that ride. Who the fuck am I?
We stood outside for less than 10 minutes and I had Deanna Brooks hanging onto me (using me for my body heat), so the normal "hip spot" runaround was a little more enjoyable. Once we were wristbanded and inside the venue, we went to the upstairs bar. I wasn't too impressed by the event itself, but it did end up being more entertaining than I thought.
It was your typical upscale Super Bowl party with older, well-dressed men scanning the room for girls that averaged about 20 years old and were wearing as little as possible (it was FREEZING outside). I wasn't really feeling it and I was also stone-cold sober. Then I spotted the one celeb anchoring the upstairs part of the party. Terrell Owens was up there and flanked by a huge guy with scary beard, his posse, and two clearly underage girls. The saddest part was that when he moved, THE WHOLE section of party would move with him. Hilarious.
As he was going towards the private rooms, Deanna decided that she'd try to get him to come to our party. That never ended up happening (although it was just as successful as my attempts the next night -- more below). As we were standing around, I saw one of the biggest men on the face of the Earth. Jonathan Ogden was fucking hammered as he meandered past us. He must have been drinking since about 5PM since I'd guess that his drinking style and tolerance are similar to that of Andre the Giant. I thought he might eat shit as he walked past us and he needed to brace himself on the wall. He was so tall that his extended arm was right over Deanna's head (she's 5'3" 107 and he's 6'9" 345). I was afraid that he'd take down three or four regular people with him if he tipped over.
Ashlee Simpson also performed in the hour that we were there. She definitely was not lip-syncing, because it sounded like she had smoked about 300 cigarettes before grabbing the mic. The event sucked, but at least I left with a few good memories.
Thursday Night @ Madden Bowl 08
Our publisher couldn't make it to the Madden Bowl, so I ended up being his substitute. The Martini Ranch in Scottsdale had about 300 guys and 20 girls hanging out that night. Awesome. Trey Wingo (who happens to be blacklisted from Playboy events) was hosting what had to be one of the most boring events of all time. He introduced about eight big name players and brought them up on stage. It was so engaging that one of the players was TEXTING while he was standing up there.
My buddy and I detached ourselves from the main bar after a few effective rounds of drinking. We decided to go out back and see what Playboy Radio was doing. At that point, I decided that I should get myself a little more buzzed and try to get some NFL players to come to our event on Saturday. It's pretty standard for me to get drunk so I can talk to guys.
After some initial success, the drinking continued and I became quite bold. My first taste of victory was bringing Mario Williams over to the Playboy Radio area for an interview. It wasn't long until I was approaching the likes of Dontrelle Willis, Warrick Dunn, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Reggie Wayne, etc. Then, my friend pointed out one of my personal heroes... Roy Williams from Texas. I had no problem stepping up and giving him my pitch, but he wasn't very receptive. The result is one of the most hilarious videos that I've ever seen (will post as soon as I'm not using the horrible Marriott wireless).
Andrea Lowell of Playboy Radio (and Surreal Life) was my "co-host" for this shit show and I think that we produced an entertaining product. You'll notice that she encouraged me to continue my fruitless quest. A few highlights:
- Making a jerkoff motion after Roy brushes me off... and having him look RIGHT at me as I had my back to him
- Literally chasing him away from the party
- My emotional facial expressions
- My buddy/cameraman saying "It hurts!" about twenty times
As we left the event, Michael Irvin hijacked Andrea. Somehow, he figured out that I was trying to take an iPhone picture of him and said "no pictures!" about ten times. Andrea was able to remove herself from the situation just in time to catch up to us for the fucking $60 cab ride back to Phoenix. Friday (today) was a day of rest once we were done with work. I know... I'm a pussy. Tomorrow is the big day, so prepare yourself for that post. Once again... who the fuck am I?
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Madden Bowl 08
that I suck at Madden while inebriated. That's why Alex currently has
a one-game win streak against me. All I want to do is beat Patrick
Willis. User pickz, beeeyotch.
Monday, January 28, 2008
I Love The Wicker Man and I've Never Seen It
One of the days leading up to New Years, I was enjoying some frosty brews at a friend's house and my good friend Trey Pool decided to dial up YouTube. He said something about The Wicker Man, which I hadn't seen, and I was mesmerized by what was on the computer screen. I couldn't tell if it was real or fake, but apparently it's all real. I'm not sure if it goes in chronological order, but the video is below along with my recap of the highlights.
Commandeering a Bike - This opening clip shows that Nicolas Cage clearly won't take shit from any woman dressed like she churns butter. He pulls a gun on her -- pretty extreme, right? Except he soon starts throwing haymakers at any woman he can find...
How'd It Get Burned? - I get the feeling that if she knew how it got burned, she would tell him. But there's never any harm in asking more than once. It's a proven interrogation tactic. The trick is to increase your volume and the intensity of your facial expression. You can review some 24 DVDs if you need some pointers.
Cold Cocking the Old Woman - This scene was fucking classic. After much deliberation, it ended up being my second favorite scene. There's not much to say about jacking some old woman in the face -- just enjoy the laughs.
Murder by Face-Kick - I used to say "that girl that looks like Leelee Sobieski dies from a kick in the face?". Maybe she dies from hitting her back on the wall of picture frames. They can be deadly. Then I saw that it actually WAS Leelee Sobieski according to her IMDB page. She was also in the new Dungeon Siege movie that made $80,000 in its last day as listed in theaters (1338 of them). For the math challenged, that's $60 per theater. Fire your agent.
Take Those Masks Off - Unfortunately, there's no intense way to knock a mask off of a 8 year-old's face. Also, I'm pretty sure the kids would just pick up and put them back on as he runs away.
Project Grizzly - No, not Troy Hurtubise's Project Grizzly... but Nic Cage's superb disguise -- he really blends in with the crazies. In case you were wondering, it's still possible to crank a woman in the face while wearing a full bear suit.
It's Murda - When you're about to be killed by people who wear ridiculous masks and worship honey, your last resort is to reason with them. Hopefully, you're a master tactician like Nic Cage that can highlight the legal implications of their actions. If you don't find yourself quite as comfortable with legalese, you're absolutely fucked.
Bees in Your Eye - This is my favorite scene. Hear me out. I definitely did not laugh as hard at this scene at first. But consider the fact that those are CGI bees. Nicolas Cage is reaching deep into the depth of his acting talent that brought us the likes of Cameron "Learning Disability" Poe to summon this raw emotion. The phrase "NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES ARRRGHHHGHGHGRRRRGH OHHH THEY'RE IN MY EYES MY EYES ARRRGHGHHGARARGHHGHG" will always send a chill down my spine.
CGI bees freak me out too
In conclusion, I wish that I could be as funny as the mofos that unintentionally created a hilarious movie. It takes a lot of hard work to let your creative juices flow and completely lose sight of anything that makes sense. I haven't seen anything lately that is so bat-shit-crazy in a good way. On top of that, you need "A Nicolas Cage" to bring it to the silver screen... or YouTube. From the bottom of my heart, I thank everybody involved in this production.
Commandeering a Bike - This opening clip shows that Nicolas Cage clearly won't take shit from any woman dressed like she churns butter. He pulls a gun on her -- pretty extreme, right? Except he soon starts throwing haymakers at any woman he can find...
How'd It Get Burned? - I get the feeling that if she knew how it got burned, she would tell him. But there's never any harm in asking more than once. It's a proven interrogation tactic. The trick is to increase your volume and the intensity of your facial expression. You can review some 24 DVDs if you need some pointers.
Cold Cocking the Old Woman - This scene was fucking classic. After much deliberation, it ended up being my second favorite scene. There's not much to say about jacking some old woman in the face -- just enjoy the laughs.
Murder by Face-Kick - I used to say "that girl that looks like Leelee Sobieski dies from a kick in the face?". Maybe she dies from hitting her back on the wall of picture frames. They can be deadly. Then I saw that it actually WAS Leelee Sobieski according to her IMDB page. She was also in the new Dungeon Siege movie that made $80,000 in its last day as listed in theaters (1338 of them). For the math challenged, that's $60 per theater. Fire your agent.
Take Those Masks Off - Unfortunately, there's no intense way to knock a mask off of a 8 year-old's face. Also, I'm pretty sure the kids would just pick up and put them back on as he runs away.
Project Grizzly - No, not Troy Hurtubise's Project Grizzly... but Nic Cage's superb disguise -- he really blends in with the crazies. In case you were wondering, it's still possible to crank a woman in the face while wearing a full bear suit.
It's Murda - When you're about to be killed by people who wear ridiculous masks and worship honey, your last resort is to reason with them. Hopefully, you're a master tactician like Nic Cage that can highlight the legal implications of their actions. If you don't find yourself quite as comfortable with legalese, you're absolutely fucked.
Bees in Your Eye - This is my favorite scene. Hear me out. I definitely did not laugh as hard at this scene at first. But consider the fact that those are CGI bees. Nicolas Cage is reaching deep into the depth of his acting talent that brought us the likes of Cameron "Learning Disability" Poe to summon this raw emotion. The phrase "NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES ARRRGHHHGHGHGRRRRGH OHHH THEY'RE IN MY EYES MY EYES ARRRGHGHHGARARGHHGHG" will always send a chill down my spine.
In conclusion, I wish that I could be as funny as the mofos that unintentionally created a hilarious movie. It takes a lot of hard work to let your creative juices flow and completely lose sight of anything that makes sense. I haven't seen anything lately that is so bat-shit-crazy in a good way. On top of that, you need "A Nicolas Cage" to bring it to the silver screen... or YouTube. From the bottom of my heart, I thank everybody involved in this production.
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