Celebs and Booze and Chris Duncan! Oh, My!

I made the trip to Phoenix to work on the Playboy Super Bowl Party. Last year, I ended up at The Shore Club right before LeBron, hit up Suite/Snatch with Hiromi Oshima and Courtney Culkin, and later attended what we thought was Michael Strahan's party (turned out it was his brother's shitty party or something equally lame). I knew that this year might have a few notable fiestas, and my nights in Scottsdale were definitely a success. You don't see a drunk as shit Jonathan Ogden every day.

Wednesday @ Ashlee Simpson's Par-tay
After unpacking boxes for a few hours, I felt tired and needed to eat. That process was delayed as my co-worker Kaki (coolest person that I know) invited me to dine with her friends in Scottsdale. We ended up going to a place called Sapporo with her friend Jase and his buddies. The best description of that place is "Benihana on steroids". After a few rounds of awesome food, Jase asked us if we wanted to "get a few drinks". Translation: we ended up going to the Ashlee Simpson event at Myst in Scottsdale. Yes, it is extremely ridiculous that I was along for that ride. Who the fuck am I?

We stood outside for less than 10 minutes and I had Deanna Brooks hanging onto me (using me for my body heat), so the normal "hip spot" runaround was a little more enjoyable. Once we were wristbanded and inside the venue, we went to the upstairs bar. I wasn't too impressed by the event itself, but it did end up being more entertaining than I thought.

It was your typical upscale Super Bowl party with older, well-dressed men scanning the room for girls that averaged about 20 years old and were wearing as little as possible (it was FREEZING outside). I wasn't really feeling it and I was also stone-cold sober. Then I spotted the one celeb anchoring the upstairs part of the party. Terrell Owens was up there and flanked by a huge guy with scary beard, his posse, and two clearly underage girls. The saddest part was that when he moved, THE WHOLE section of party would move with him. Hilarious.

As he was going towards the private rooms, Deanna decided that she'd try to get him to come to our party. That never ended up happening (although it was just as successful as my attempts the next night -- more below). As we were standing around, I saw one of the biggest men on the face of the Earth. Jonathan Ogden was fucking hammered as he meandered past us. He must have been drinking since about 5PM since I'd guess that his drinking style and tolerance are similar to that of Andre the Giant. I thought he might eat shit as he walked past us and he needed to brace himself on the wall. He was so tall that his extended arm was right over Deanna's head (she's 5'3" 107 and he's 6'9" 345). I was afraid that he'd take down three or four regular people with him if he tipped over.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz at Myst before her "performance"

Ashlee Simpson also performed in the hour that we were there. She definitely was not lip-syncing, because it sounded like she had smoked about 300 cigarettes before grabbing the mic. The event sucked, but at least I left with a few good memories.

Thursday Night @ Madden Bowl 08
Our publisher couldn't make it to the Madden Bowl, so I ended up being his substitute. The Martini Ranch in Scottsdale had about 300 guys and 20 girls hanging out that night. Awesome. Trey Wingo (who happens to be blacklisted from Playboy events) was hosting what had to be one of the most boring events of all time. He introduced about eight big name players and brought them up on stage. It was so engaging that one of the players was TEXTING while he was standing up there.

My buddy and I detached ourselves from the main bar after a few effective rounds of drinking. We decided to go out back and see what Playboy Radio was doing. At that point, I decided that I should get myself a little more buzzed and try to get some NFL players to come to our event on Saturday. It's pretty standard for me to get drunk so I can talk to guys.

After some initial success, the drinking continued and I became quite bold. My first taste of victory was bringing Mario Williams over to the Playboy Radio area for an interview. It wasn't long until I was approaching the likes of Dontrelle Willis, Warrick Dunn, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Reggie Wayne, etc. Then, my friend pointed out one of my personal heroes... Roy Williams from Texas. I had no problem stepping up and giving him my pitch, but he wasn't very receptive. The result is one of the most hilarious videos that I've ever seen (will post as soon as I'm not using the horrible Marriott wireless).

Andrea Lowell of Playboy Radio (and Surreal Life) was my "co-host" for this shit show and I think that we produced an entertaining product. You'll notice that she encouraged me to continue my fruitless quest. A few highlights:

• Making a jerkoff motion after Roy brushes me off... and having him look RIGHT at me as I had my back to him
  
• Literally chasing him away from the party
  
• My emotional facial expressions
  
• My buddy/cameraman saying "It hurts!" about twenty times

Andrea consoles me as I make my sad face
As we left the event, Michael Irvin hijacked Andrea. Somehow, he figured out that I was trying to take an iPhone picture of him and said "no pictures!" about ten times. Andrea was able to remove herself from the situation just in time to catch up to us for the fucking $60 cab ride back to Phoenix. Friday (today) was a day of rest once we were done with work. I know... I'm a pussy. Tomorrow is the big day, so prepare yourself for that post. Once again... who the fuck am I?

Madden Bowl 08

I'm headed to Madden Bowl 08 in Scottsdale. Too bad I already know
that I suck at Madden while inebriated. That's why Alex currently has
a one-game win streak against me. All I want to do is beat Patrick
Willis. User pickz, beeeyotch.

I Love The Wicker Man and I've Never Seen It

One of the days leading up to New Years, I was enjoying some frosty brews at a friend's house and my good friend Trey Pool decided to dial up YouTube. He said something about The Wicker Man, which I hadn't seen, and I was mesmerized by what was on the computer screen. I couldn't tell if it was real or fake, but apparently it's all real. I'm not sure if it goes in chronological order, but the video is below along with my recap of the highlights.

Commandeering a Bike - This opening clip shows that Nicolas Cage clearly won't take shit from any woman dressed like she churns butter. He pulls a gun on her -- pretty extreme, right? Except he soon starts throwing haymakers at any woman he can find...

How'd It Get Burned? - I get the feeling that if she knew how it got burned, she would tell him. But there's never any harm in asking more than once. It's a proven interrogation tactic. The trick is to increase your volume and the intensity of your facial expression. You can review some 24 DVDs if you need some pointers.

Cold Cocking the Old Woman - This scene was fucking classic. After much deliberation, it ended up being my second favorite scene. There's not much to say about jacking some old woman in the face -- just enjoy the laughs.

Murder by Face-Kick - I used to say "that girl that looks like Leelee Sobieski dies from a kick in the face?". Maybe she dies from hitting her back on the wall of picture frames. They can be deadly. Then I saw that it actually WAS Leelee Sobieski according to her IMDB page. She was also in the new Dungeon Siege movie that made $80,000 in its last day as listed in theaters (1338 of them). For the math challenged, that's $60 per theater. Fire your agent.

Take Those Masks Off - Unfortunately, there's no intense way to knock a mask off of a 8 year-old's face. Also, I'm pretty sure the kids would just pick up and put them back on as he runs away.

Project Grizzly - No, not Troy Hurtubise's Project Grizzly... but Nic Cage's superb disguise -- he really blends in with the crazies. In case you were wondering, it's still possible to crank a woman in the face while wearing a full bear suit.

It's Murda - When you're about to be killed by people who wear ridiculous masks and worship honey, your last resort is to reason with them. Hopefully, you're a master tactician like Nic Cage that can highlight the legal implications of their actions. If you don't find yourself quite as comfortable with legalese, you're absolutely fucked.

Bees in Your Eye - This is my favorite scene. Hear me out. I definitely did not laugh as hard at this scene at first. But consider the fact that those are CGI bees. Nicolas Cage is reaching deep into the depth of his acting talent that brought us the likes of Cameron "Learning Disability" Poe to summon this raw emotion. The phrase "NOT THE BEES NOT THE BEES ARRRGHHHGHGHGRRRRGH OHHH THEY'RE IN MY EYES MY EYES ARRRGHGHHGARARGHHGHG" will always send a chill down my spine.

CGI bees freak me out too

In conclusion, I wish that I could be as funny as the mofos that unintentionally created a hilarious movie. It takes a lot of hard work to let your creative juices flow and completely lose sight of anything that makes sense. I haven't seen anything lately that is so bat-shit-crazy in a good way. On top of that, you need "A Nicolas Cage" to bring it to the silver screen... or YouTube. From the bottom of my heart, I thank everybody involved in this production.

American Gladiators Sucks: Part Deux

So I haven't tuned in to another episode of this trainwreck (the bad kind, not the entertaining kind). But I did end up happening upon a few hilarious tidbits of information.

American Gladiators is already re-upped for a second season
Yes, it's coming back. I'm going to blame it on the writer's strike. It doing well, ratings-wise. Gladiators had the highest-rated debut for NBC since Heroes premiered. As of last Monday, NBC dominated the ratings. Deal or No Deal started it off and Gladiators helped continue the trend. However, ratings for Gladiators did drop from the previous week and I have to think that the Deal or No Deal lead-in helps. That shit is on in the gym constantly (Deal or No Deal), so I'm assuming people like it. Good news, apparently the Gladiators are all tested for steroids. Doesn't everybody just assume they take steroids? Who cares anyway?

MGM is creating an American Gladiators cartoon
I'm not really sure who the hell came up with this idea or how it got any support... but I can't wait to trash that stupidity once it's on the air. But according to the press release:

With the show's strong ratings, MGM along with Johnny Ferraro, owner of Flor-Jon, Films Inc. have put into development a cartoon series based on the "American Gladiators" franchise.

The press release also goes on to say that the Gladiators are going on tour WWE-style. They're also launching a website paying homage to the old series (hey, at least they had one good idea). Chances of the Gladiators cartoon airing an entire season: 5 to 1.

One of the recent American Gladiators contestants was in softcore porn
You too can be on the new American Gladiators. Just visit NBC's casting section. It's a sure-fire way to boost your career if you're a struggling actor, right? Well that's what Belinda Gavin figured.

Belinda is a 36-year-old bull rider originally from Australia. She grew up on ranches in Australia and was regularly taunted and dared to do things even the boys wouldn't do. Her bravado stayed with her when she immigrated to the United States 15 years ago, leading her to become a bull rider. She currently lives in Burbank, California.

Well, I guess she can still technically qualify as a bull rider. But Belinda Gavin's IMDB entry lists credits in features such as: Bikini Round Up, Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Airways, Wicked Pleasures, and Passionate Deceptions. Bikini Airways was great, but I felt the series really fell off after that... oh yeah, her pseudonym is Kylie Wyote (you know, like Wile E. Coyote).


Can we just bring back Larry Csonka and Mike Adamle? This piece of garbage needs to die.

FoxNews Entertain-e-ment Experts!

I was watching the O'Reilly Factor the other night. Don't worry -- it's purely for entertainment purposes. I actually used to watch it somewhat regularly about four or five years ago (I also used to watch a lot of MSNBC's broadcast of Imus... I'm a weird guy). The Factor was spot-on as usual (kidding) when they decided to discuss the ENTERTAINEMENT business.

I might put more stock in FoxNews entertainment coverage if they could spell the word correctly

After bringing up Heath Ledger and showing some video of a throng of paparazzi outside of his house, O'Reilly clumsily segued to Oscar nominees. Reviewing the list, O'Reilly declared that he wouldn't see Atonement because it's British and he "doesn't understand the accents" ... ok. He went on to say that Juno was the best movie on the list (haven't seen it, can't disagree) and that There Will Be Blood was unwatchable because people can't "watch oil" for nearly three hours. He also dismissed No Country for Old Men because he didn't understand the ending. Insightful.

The next part was the most entertaine-ing though. Along with his FoxNews cronies (read: scrubs) Jill Dobson and Bill McCuddy, O'Reilly launched into a diatribe about how the Best Picture nominees don't match up with the top box office earners of the year. Huh? So what? I guess it was an attempt at his usual "sticking up for the common man so nobody can challenge me unless they're against America argument, but it really made no sense at all.

O'Reilly jumped the shark in 2002. He used to actually be able to at least provide entertainment value, but now his subjects (whether people or topics of discussion) are just punching bags. Although, I still get immense pleasure from reading his sexual harassment complaint. I mean, what guy doesn't masturbate with a vibrator?

Mobile Post: How Do You Get 1000 Girls to a Party?

You send out hundreds of tickets to beautiful women. I became a
machine today.

Does your "Dream Job" involve naked women?

The title of this post actually refers to a lucky bastard named Mark Frazier. Mark is a professional artist and one of his skills happens to be bodypainting. Surprisingly enough, my dream job does not involve nude women. Well, maybe there's some way to make that happen as a TV/movie producer, but that's a long, long time away.

He's a veteran in this field -- with numerous Playboy covers. You've seen his work most recently on the cover of February 2008 with Tiffany Fallon as Wonder Woman, but my personal favorite is October 2005 with Sara Jean Underwood and Victoria Thornton painted with Oregon State and Arizona State jerseys respectively. Oh yeah, he also paints girls for most of Hef's Playboy Mansion events. Are you already looking up airbrushing lessons online?

One of my responsibilities for Playboy's Super Saturday Night (our party during Super Bowl weekend), is to get all of the bodypainting taken care of. It was pretty much a no-brainer to hire Mark for this year's festivities. So I'm operating as his co-pilot/navigator (whichever has less responsibility) on this project. I have to give him direction for designs and revisions and pass them back to the rest of the Super Bowl event team. I also have to supervise on-site -- which means I have to make sure the bodypainted designs are applied correctly (translation: in between running around and doing everything else at the event, I have to pop in and make sure the naked girls are painted with the right designs). Arizona nudity laws mandate that the girls must wear latex thongs and pasties, so it's not quite as x-rated as some would hope.

Bodypainted girls with Usher Raymond IV from Detroit in 2006 & Bodypainted girls from 2007 in Miami


The process started with Mark sending us a few of his mockups. Unfortunately, that didn't fit with our theme -- so we had to go back to the well a few times. Mark has been fantastic with his correspondence and you can see the evolution of designs below. I can't give away the theme, but I can tell you that one of the girls will be a bellhop and another will be a French maid (more below).






Two girls will actually get to wear a small amount of clothing that's not made out of latex. It's pretty hilarious that I had to buy a French maid hat and Bellhop hat. I'll probably throw away the rest of the French maid costume -- it's not like I'm gonna wear it.

So the next step is picking the models with my co-worker Kaki. I didn't help out with this last year but apparently some of the requirements are no "saggy boobs", no visible stretch marks, and no "bumpy nipples/areola". Please keep in mind that I DID NOT make these up -- so don't get mad at me for being a shallow asshole (a girl came up with them!). Katie Ludwig from OneSource Talent had auditions for models and Kaki and I will review the pictures this week. Sounds good to me.

If you can't get to SSN '08, I'll be covering all of the events for my blog. Stay tuned!