UNEDITED ETHIOPIAN HOOKER EMAIL

This gem comes to me from the continent of Africa. I originally received this email on my phone in Columbus a week or so ago. The responses that followed were equally hilarious. This is a long post, so try to maintain your attention span. To reward your diligence, there is a picture of the Official Ethiopian Hooker below. I've only edited out real names and formatted the emails somewhat.

ORIGINAL EMAIL FROM THE ROAD WARRIOR

Sooooooooo I have an interesting African story to tell you:

Last night I proceeded to get drunk (big surprise) so I was feeling pretty spry and decided to go downstairs to the main bar and see what kind of trouble I could get into. As my boss and I were walking to a table I saw a very attractive Ethiopian woman (insert your own joke here). I sent a drink over to her table as she was alone and figured what the hell I'm Rich Bitch (comparatively).

She came over after a while and was talking to us telling me how she was finishing her album and was about to go back on tour. The main bar closed and we then went to the lounge in the hotel for one more drink. The night took an interesting turn when she informed me that she wanted me to give her a baby. I thought that was pretty sweet and informed her that I would oblige. She was going on and on about how she wanted to come to the US and "give me baby". My boss left and she asked if I wanted to go to a shesha place. In my current state I thought whats the worst that could happen? We took a cab out of the compound (yes there are armed guards and twenty foot stone walls) and proceeded down some strange back alleys.

Finally we arrived and went into a private room and started with the shesha. After about 10 minutes of her rambling and hogging the shesha she found it necessary to lick my face and make out with me. I was in! Little did I know, or I didn't put all the pieces together (her high-fiving all the workers, the cab, and all employees at the Hilton), that she then informed me how poor she was and wanted money for "giving her baby". This is where it gets interesting...We went back to my room and I was still deciding wether or not to go through with it. As I am getting comfortable she orders room service and then puts on some of my clothes (her boobies were a bit saggy). She tried to make out with me reminding me of her poverty when I made the decision to tell her that I was not going to give her baby nor marry her. She was quite angry and asked if she should go. I told her to do what she wanted. She then got into bed and proceeded to fall asleep.

My next move was to take all electronics, passports, money, etc and put them in the in room safe. I couldn't fit my laptop so I hid it. I laid 300 Birr on her purse ($30 USD) and went to sleep around 5 am. Much to my chagrin that bitch wakes me up demanding more money now telling me about her love for Jesus and how poor she is. I am fucking tired and not really interested in dealing with her anymore. She told me I wasted her time and I reminded her that all she did was lick my face and tried to give me an over the pants foot-job (awful by the way). I went back to my safe and gave her an extra 200 Birr and told her to give me my clothes back. I went to the door opened it and waited for that skank to leave. When I woke up I found my room key missing and assumed that she was going to come back with some sort of angry African pimp so I went downstairs and asked the front desk to change the lock and quickly. I am hoping the whore doesn't come back to the bar tonight as there are quite a number of English and South African women who are in for some sort of banking conference. The sad thing is that I didn't realize she was a hooker until she actually asked for money. I should have seen that one a mile away. I think she only wanted 1500 Birr for "a baby" which is pretty good considering my last experience. I have a picture of her on my digital camera which I will share when I get back. I have now been propositioned on every continent I visited. Awesome.

Discuss where I went wrong.

- XXXX "Jungle Fever" XxXXXXXX

Here is the OFFICIAL ETHIOPIAN HOOKER. I noticed the stain on the sheets. My guess is that it's actually food, but I magnified it 5X so people could analyze. My feelings on the situation? The Road Warrior saw the opportunity to use his penis and common sense deserted him. However, after enough of "the runaround", he came to his senses and considered the monetary implications of his actions. The Road Warrior opted for damage control at an appropriate time and even had the foresight to avoid an African pimp. I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same...

The Road Warrior's Special Lady (of the Night)
RESPONSE #1 - THE BROTHER

Where did you go wrong....Hmmmm....where do I begin

1. you were drunk
2. YOu thought you could get laid in Ethiopia
3. YOu didn't recognize a hooker (I figured you'd have seen that coming a mile away)
4. You're [name removed]

RESPONSE #2 - CONCERNED FRIEND

As your brother mentioned, you made a number of mistakes. Please find more information below.

1). You believed her concert tour story, just like I believe every stripper really IS going to school and not using the money to buy coke and abortions.

2). You assumed an attractive Ethiopian woman was interested in you. Not that you're not man pretty, but in a country like that you have to use your assets to eat.

3). You asked what the worst tha could happen. In summation, AIDS! And over there they don't have Magic Johnson AIDS, they've got legit John Holmes AIDS. That's worse than death.

4). Although Charlie Sheen says he doesn't pay for sex, he pays them to leave in the morning, I feel like you were / are a sucker for droppin a Grant to have your clothes smell like Ethiopian and feverishly masturbate to a potential halfie baby making session, where the best you could hope for would be to name your child Chris.

That is not all, but sufficient for now. No homo.

RESPONSE #3 - CONCERNED FRIEND

1. Once you found out she was a hooker you didn't kick her out fast enough. No matter the continent, hookers do not have souls.

2. Saggy titties are for poor people. I met Lane's girlfriend today. She has sweet rockin' tits despite also having a 3 year old. AMERICA BITCH! (At this point I'd like to clarify that yes I am emailing drunk)

3. I'm pretty sure even I told you not to let your chubby weiner out of your sight (usually not a problem during sex) when you were in Africa, but apparently you have no use for the one good piece of advice I will ever give you. Despite his blinding whiteness, [name removed] is right about the aids thing. I'd consider supergluing a condom onto your member (and over your ass?) for the rest of the trip.

4. At least the exchange rate is in your favor, so unlike your European hooker story at least this one did not cost you very much.

5. If you ever name your kid Chris, you are officially my bitch for life. Or Duncan's. In which case ... moral victory.

PS. Yes, the xbox is still broken.

Da Fest 2008

We go to CollegeFest in Boston every year and it's one of my favorite events. It's one of the few times that I get to "give back to the community". Typically 15,000+ students attend CollegeFest and most of them line up to get into our booth. It's really kind of insane -- some kids wait 2-3 hours just to get in. We headed to Boston on a Thursday for an event at The Greatest Bar then CollegeFest was on Saturday and Sunday. The Playboy girls that had the (dis)pleasure of working with me were: Miss October 2008 Kelly Carrington, Cyber Girl Amanda Corey, Cyber Girl Jo Garcia, and Miss Playboy Mobile Amber J. From Boston, I had booked Cyber Girl Brittany Sylvanowicz and Special Edition Model Lauren D'Marie that had worked a previous TNT event with me. Later, I would also meet The Playboy Energy Girls.

THURSDAY @ THE GREATEST BAR

"The Greatest Bar" is OK but certainly not great. It was supposed to be a Playboy Energy Party and we were just tagging along ... with our two bands that were set to play and a video crew. Our bands were running late (since they were driving in that day) but were able to finish the sound check before 9. When 9PM (the supposed start time of this party) rolled around, the Playboy Energy Bus was still AWOL. They arrived before I had a heart attack and it was quite a sight. The girls had on heels, high socks, short black skirts, and wifebeaters. Aside from the one Asian girl, they all had bleached blonde hair. They pretty much stayed in their corner all night when they weren't throwing shirts from the bar. It was an exclusive area in the most uncool way -- the bar wasn't exactly packed. The first band, Illinois, got an interesting reception. They're a badass indie rock band who include a steel guitar and banjo in the performance. I enjoyed it but the crowd wasn't exactly "getting down" ... and then they literally blew a fuse. Luckily, the (ripoff) sound guy repaired it before we scrapped the remaining performances. The White Tie Affair gave another outstanding performance that included the lead singer Chris standing on the bar. It probably had something to do with the lunchboxes that the Greatest Bar bartenders were throwing at the band. It was a strange mix of stalker-teen White Tie fans, bleach blonde models, old men, and Playboy staff -- but it was a good time.

FRIDAY - SET UP DAY

The day before CollegeFest is a beeyotch. You get to a booth that you've dropped $15K on and it looks like garbage. After the initial panic subsided, we started to put our "Playboy Lounge" together and it looked great. It was more relieving when the union guys brought our 5000 pound shipment from the receiving area. We were no longer screwed and the outlook was good. We finished in time for a reasonable dinner time.

I went to a place called Rock Bottom with Neal (who runs a sub par blog called Real Cinch) and James. They're both pencil-pushing proposal writers... that's right, you heard me... blog about it. Neal pussed out, so James and I went to Revolution Rock Bar to catch up with the Playboy Energy Bus.

If I could fight the Energy Bus, I would
There was a line outside, but we got out of the cab and just said we were with Playboy and showed our business cards. I know, I sound like a douche, but I don't think I've ever done that before in "real life" (while sober). Inside, there was a similar Playboy Energy situation... this bar was packed and the hooker-ish crew was relegated in the corner. I hate going to "da club" if I'm not sitting at a table simply because it's unbearable (and hopefully I'm drinking for free if I'm sitting at a table). From my spot in the corner, I observed that the bar was at least 2/3 guys... lame. I tried striking up a conversation with one of the Playboy Energy girls out of sheer boredom. She went along with it for a while and then went ice cold. Little did she know that I was the one being charitable. After James and I had a couple beers, the camera crew went outside to film the inside of the Energy Bus. As soon as we stepped on, some David Beckham-wannabe that was somehow "in charge" of this tour told me that everybody needed to be quiet. Two seconds later, James and I were standing outside of the bus. Nothing pisses me off more than some douchebag thinking he's important because he has 4 promo models behind him. What a prick.

SATURDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY ONE

The first day of CollegeFest started out smoothly. The Playboy Energy Girls (one security guard called them the "Swedish Basketball Team") showed up a little bit after noon and I wasn't prepared for our models' reaction. They were all pissed off that these girls had matching outfits and they didn't. I had considered the Energy outfits whore-ish, so this was surprising. I don't think they consider the fact that I dictate their attire for these events; they have foolishly opened Pandora's Box. Maybe I'll even make it an OCD poll next time.

My first question was: how much?
The drama didn't end there. Jo Garcia lost her iPhone during the event. I figured it was just James' sleazy way to get her number. But once he had her number in his phone and called it a few times, we still couldn't find it. She started freaking out, which was reasonable given the situation. Our discussion of "it sucks to lose a phone" suddenly turned when one girls conjectured that she had naked pictures of herself on the phone. I couldn't let that go and prodded her further:

OCD: What do you mean she probably had naked pictures of herself on there?
BUNNY: Well, a lot of the time girls in relationships have naked pictures on her phone.
OCD: Do you have naked pictures of yourself on your phone?
BUNNY: Yes.
OCD: More than 50?
BUNNY: Ha, no!
OCD: More than 10?
BUNNY: No
OCD: More than 3?
BUNNY: Yes
OCD: Awesome, I just have two dick pics on mine.

And then I stole her phone. Not really. I did make a "dick pic" comment though... I can't help myself. Other than the drama of the lost phone (and no matching prostitute costumes), the day was a success. Chamillionaire, who I like, performed the last show of the day ... and sucked. It was disappointing.

Don't worry -- they actually hate me
After dinner that night, we all met in the hotel bar to have a few drinks. In one of my conversations, I was told that Brody Jenner made $30K from a recent appearance in New York. I wish my job was to "make appearances". As you know, I've rolled up on these jokers before in Phoenix. It's actually pretty close between him and his stepsister Kim Kardashian. I've heard of her making around $10K, but I've also heard that she's been paid $50K for a Miami event. By comparison, you can book an Official Chris Duncan appearance for $1000 (and you can touch it for $2000).

Unfortunately, the night ended without me being able to successfully sleaze any of our girls. That's a joke. I keep it classy. We were staying at a nice hotel though, so I was trolling the bar for hookers (just kidding, Doug) at the same time. You can spot them a mile away: usually two relatively well-dressed but slutty looking girls scanning the bar back-to-back. I saw a couple of girls like this sitting at the end of the bar and pulled up next to them while ordering a drink. I don't remember exactly how our conversation started, but we established that they had just moved to Boston from New York. Then the closer girl asked me if I was gay because she said she was gay and could pick up on "gay signals". Awesome. That's how to NOT to land a John. I still think they were hookers... probably not.

SUNDAY - COLLEGEFEST DAY TWO

An hour after the show started, Neal and I went to get lunch for the crew. Upon leaving the food court, I had three pizzas boxes in my arms and there was a slight drizzle but then something caught my eye. Some random adult man in the food court was wearing the most ridiculous shirt of all time. I've seen kids with Donald Duck or Mickey Mouse shirts and I assume they cost like $200, but this guy was wearing what looked to be a nylon Cookie Monster shirt.

This image is equal parts shameful, hilarious, and awesome
Soulja Boy had the final performance at CollegeFest. I wasn't really watching, but I was later told that he threw like $2000 in cash from the stage. At least he didn't try to pick it all up like Pacman Jones. On cue when the show closes, all of the Real World cast members try to sleaze on the Playboy girls. Last year, it was Alex from Denver and Evan from Real World/Road Rules. This year, Cohutta from Sydney made his way over to our booth. It's always hilarious to me when somebody semi-famous is kind of sneaking around trying to get in. Unfortunately, there's no booze at CollegeFest, so he wasn't in drunken rake-in-the-college-poon mode like fellow cast member Isaac last week in Columbus.

With CollegeFest behind me, there's a small period of rest on the horizon. I will have to be well rested when I start growing my mustache for Movember next month.

Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 (Ohio State)

UPDATE: I found Cassie, the model from the East Lansing event, thanks to good old Google. Her name is Cassie Keller... I think the pictures speak for themselves. Wow.

FRIDAY @ THE GAY BAR

When we first arrived in Columbus, we wanted to get food and it was really late. We drove to the main part of High Street in Columbus and we couldn't find a fucking valet for about 20 minutes. Once we did find a spot with valet people that were actually paying attention, we had a choice between a mexican food place on the left and regular bar food on the right. The valets forced our hand and I voted for Union Bar since I had been set on a burger (as usual) all night. The hostess said that she could seat us on the less crowded side of the bar which had more seating and seemed like a better place to eat. The patio and main bar were absolutely PACKED. It wasn't long before we realized that we were in a popular gay bar.

I picked up that our waiter was gay pretty early on. It was hilarious for me when our videographer Johnny started chatting him up because he didn't realize that he was gay. Jess went to the bathroom and two girls started talking to her about Estelle while waiting for the stall. They ended up knocking on the stall and two guys inside started making (fake) sex noises then giggled and came out. I guess the women's room doesn't typically get much use.

Johnny came back from the bathroom, after almost running into a mirror, and then turned around to see two mohawked men waving at him. They didn't see his near collision, but apparently they liked his look. The worst part about our crew is that Johnny and I are both at opposite ends of the spectrum style/look-wise... so between the two of us, we were getting a lot of attention.

At this point, I took the can of dip out of my back pocket and I guess my mini notepad came out. Right on cue, a trio of dudes came by and the guy with a faux hawk and frosted tips picked up my notepad. I found myself pretty much speechless and just tried to roll with it. He told Jess (who works in PR for Playboy) not to read my diary and then gave it to her. After we finished our round of post-dinner Blue Moons, we decided to bolt. It was an honest mistake. Upon returning to the hotel, I googled "Union Bar Columbus" and the first result was from gaycities.com. Burn. I mean, it wasn't called The Penis Depot or anything like that. My burger was excellent.

SATURDAY - GAMEDAY

We were exhausted the next day but lunch revived us somewhat. We had a jackass waiter who looked like the crazy guy ("I thought we were watching cartoons") from Tommy Boy. I was again reminded of the gay population in Columbus when a 6 foot cross-dresser walked out of a place called The Cookware Sorcerer. Awesome. Luckily, Terrelle Pryor helped Ohio State beat shitty Troy -- so we wouldn't have a hostile crowd at our event.

We got a late start setting up at McFadden's and it made me cranky. There was a family eating in the back corner where we were going to set up shop, so we waited for them to finish before littering the tables with nudie magazines. We had two of the three Ohio State girls from the Girls of the Big 10 pictorial. They were arguably the hottest girls in the feature: Marie Morgan and Jamie Graham. The Ohio State Playboy rep, Ari, was a pimp and happened to know both of them.

Girls of the Big 10 from Ohio State: Marie Morgan and Jamie Graham

I had also booked Special Edition model Lyndsy Wolff to work at the event. She showed up along with the other models right on time at 9PM. We had everything set up and ready to go at about 10PM and people started cycling through to get signed magazines and shirts. After a while, I noticed that one guy who had arrived right-on-time was still hanging out. He wasn't really causing any trouble, so we didn't make him leave. I'm guessing he was just really drunk because he sat there all night. Lisa posed for a fake picture at about 2AM so I could snap a shot of our relaxed friend.

The Innocuous Mustache Guy has a leg up on the crowd... do you know where your dad is?
Our VP told me that Mike Commodore might want to stop by. He showed up with a buddy after we had been working the event for an hour or so. Unfortunately, his fro and lumberjack beard were both gone. I got a good picture of him with the girls. There was another minor celebrity in the building for our party. Isaac from Real World Sydney was friends with Ari and stuck around for the concert.

Mike Commodore sans fro & beard with the girls
We had to bring in a stage for The White Tie Affair and they ended the tour with another great performance. The girls danced on the stage and Lyndsy even attempted to play the drums for a while. That was both awesome and hilarious. It was a little concerning when drunk civilians took the stage towards the end of the night, but no dancing college students were injured. Columbus was probably the best event. McFadden's was packed and the people were super drunk because of the early football game. I'm sure some people got black out drunk twice in one day. That's skill.

Click Here for the Full Playboy Girls of the Big 10 Photo Gallery

Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 (Part 1)

According to college students, I have a dream job. I'm not going to complain (right now). There are times when it truly is the best job in the world. There are also times when I want to instigate physical altercations with co-workers, bar staff, sponsors, vendors, and even the (diva) models. All in all, it's a good gig.

Our first two events of Playboy's Girls of the Big 10 Tour are in the rearview. I flew into Detroit on Tuesday and we've been rocking a Ford Cargo Van from Detroit to East Lansing to Ann Arbor. Today we head to Columbus for the last event on Saturday.

MICHIGAN STATE (EAST LANSING)

The first event at Michigan State (East Lansing) was a hit. We had four Spartan co-eds (does anybody even use this term anymore?) booked for the event at Rick's East Lansing. I can't remember their pseudonym's, but it's usually a first name/middle name combo. Mad respect to the girls that porn-ify their names a little bit more. The girls' call time was 9PM, so you usually expect them to show up between 15-30 minutes late. I was shocked when I saw the girls walk into the bar at exactly 9PM.

Working with models is a unique gig. Most regular men would fall prey to their well-honed manipulation skills. Luckily, when I started doing this job, I was still pretty much afraid of girls... rendering their powers useless. At this point, I'm a pretty salty girl-wrangler. You want a drink? Don't care. Tired of standing? Don't care. That's your boyfriend? Certainly don't fucking care. The flip-side of the situation is actually the most entertaining. Random boyfriend walks past the line and right up to the table and when questioned says, "That's my girlfriend". Good for you... now step the fuck off. Your girlfriend is working, fool. But don't get me wrong -- these girls were all well-behaved.

The girls from Michigan State with our college reps

People started filtering into the venue, Rick's East Lansing, shortly after the girls arrived. We gave away all 100 guy "Girls of the Big 10" t-shirts in about an hour. We had shirts for girls, but they didn't seem to go as quickly. We had a small amount of wifebeaters for girls... and I ended up seeing a humongous drunk guy wearing one at the end of the night. Unfortunately, our event was not for "Gays of the Big 10" ... not sexy.

We have the The White Tie Affair coming with us to all three Big 10 events and CollegeFest next week. OMG, yes TWTA from The Hills. Obv. You can rag on them all you want, but they're actually very good at what they do. They got the crowd up and jumping with the help of the Michigan State girls and an unbelievably gorgeous Playboy model named Cassie. Cassie and had an instant connection -- we found out that we both love Jumanji.

At the end of the night, it was definitely a great event. We had fantastic reps at East Lansing and I was quite pleased. Ryan, Mary, Dylan, Brad, and Zak are the effing tits. Everybody cleared out a little after 2AM and we packed up our gear. The Playboy crew headed to a late night munchies spot where I picked up a bacon, egg, and cheese on a croissant (typical) and I went to sleep at about 3AM.

UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN - ANN ARBOR

The next morning, we were headed to Ann Arbor at about 10AM. For the Michigan event, we only had one of the three girls from the pictorial that wanted to appear at the event. So to make up for the lack of hot chicks, we had to book four of the girls from Michigan State. I was a little worried that the decision to let them wear their green shirts might end with me getting my ass beat. Luckily, that was not the case.

The Rick's in Ann Arbor actually holds more people than the bar in East Lansing. So we knew we were in for quite a rowdy night. Chris, the boss @ Rick's AA, told me that they had a St. Practice Day (halfway to St. Patty's) party the night before and that the place was packed. The Rick's Ann Arbor staff was more than accommodating -- we're besties now. The White Tie Affair van showed up at about 6PM and it was time to rock and roll.

Our sponsor for the Michigan and Ohio State events was the movie My Best Friend's Girl. I was hoping that once people were drunk enough, it would be a popular attraction. The highlights from the booth were a guy who admitted he jerked off at a bus stop and a girl that boned a certain celebrity who was well-known in the 80's (hint: he's in a popular internet forum picture that says "you're a homo").

Once the party got started, it was a little bit chaotic. There seemed to be a higher level of douchebaggery and I've never seen more broken glass on the floor in my life. The East Lansing girls were professionals when it came time to bring The White Tie Affair on stage.

I had to tip my hat to TWTA. They're not my favorite band, but they're good at what they do. They covered "Billy Jean" but then they went out on a limb with Lil Wayne - "Got Money". I have to admit, they fucking killed it with "Got Money". So the girls were shaking in on stage, and I did notice a weird "move" they were trying. Apparently, it's sexy to do what I termed a "reverse Eiffel Tower" where the girls put their hips together and arch their backs... not really sure what that's about.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these girls watch The Hills

When we got back to the girl's signing table, some assholes had taken the chairs. I didn't really feel like stirring up shit since the night was almost over -- so I just ignored that fact. I did notice that one of them had drawn a penis on the table cloth. That would have been somewhat amusing if it didn't cost $700. A short time later, two of the jackasses decided that they would try to fight each other. I was almost killed in a fratboy crossfire while trying to diffuse the situation. Once the 250 pound meathead turned his murderous gaze towards me, I decided that his "friend" would be a better martyr.

We were all pretty exhausted once the first two events were done. Fortunately, we had Friday to travel and get situation in Columbus with the event on Saturday. The drive to Columbus was about 3-4 hours and I will report back on the final event in a day or two.

Click Here for the Full Playboy Girls of the Big 10 Photo Gallery

Michael Vick Takes Biggest Paycut in History

The guy used to be worth tens of millions of dollars and now makes less than a dollar a day. According to his lawyers (via USA Today)

"The debtor is not employed (except for employment in prison for wages of 12 cents per hour)."

Michael Vick's life is completely destroyed. He's got herpes, no money, and lives in prison. We all thought Marcus Vick had the ultimate meltdown when he stomped on Elvis Dumervil's leg and pulled a gun in McDonald's. At least Marcus has his freedom and also a hot girlfriend, Delicia Cordon.

Delicia Cordon makes being a failure feel quite alright
Michael Vick AKA Ron Mexico AKA Ookie used to make $700,000 per game. That doesn't count the millions he made from endorsements and dog fighting either. The Michael Vick Experience just isn't what it used to be.

Those extras make more money than Michael Vick

Brandi C Eliminated, Looks Crazy

I watch I Love Money and I think Brandi C looks a little bit insane. She's got wayyyy too much going on. She needs less makeup, less botox, less colagen, less facial piercings, etc. I found a good picture of her where she looks much like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth. It's true.

They both have good alien scowls
According to an interview, she got porn out of her system after Rock of Love. But apparently, she couldn't get that used-pornstar-look off of her face.

Will Wright's Amazing Fashion Statement

Will Wright is the creator of Sim City, The Sims, and the new game Spore. Obviously, he's very smart and very rich man. I looked him up on Wikipedia to find out more and I came across a picture of him from South by Southwest. I know he's a badass, but I think this is a little extreme. The Columbia vest with no undershirt is quite bold.

Will Wright doesn't let sleeves limit his genius